


The Tide Rises, The Tide Falls

by rogueofpandas



Series: All Rivers Return to the Sea [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Guardian, Albino Dave, Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Aquaphobia, Dealing With Child Abuse, Depression, M/M, Mexican Karkat, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn, Slurs, Suicidal Thoughts, Will update tags as story progresses, other people are mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2018-10-18 20:06:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10624200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueofpandas/pseuds/rogueofpandas
Summary: A squeal to Dive Right In, I recommend reading it before this one but it can be read independently! Dave has aquaphobia and moved to a small town, coincidentally, near the sea at the beginning of the summer. He meets a few new friends, but one in particular really sticks to him, and he can't seem to figure out why.In the process of writing this im finding it to be darker and darker. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with child abuse of any kind. Thank you.





	1. Watch Out for the Stairs, Bro

**Author's Note:**

> The Squeal is up!! I'm so excited for this project! Please enjoy and let me know if you find any mistakes!! 
> 
> So the title is a work in progress, it's the title of a very nice poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, go and give it a read! If you think of anything else i'm all ears!!

The move had been stressful, especially when Dave found out the day before it happened, packing everything he owned and leaving what he couldn't grab in time. Having to unpack the car, to climb entire flights of stairs with arms full of necessities, constantly being outdone by his brother. Stair case after stair case, he marched up and down with everything he could carry in that trip, having to be extremely careful not to drop anything while still being quick about it. In passing his brother mentioned something about 'Watching out for the stairs, Bro' whatever that meant.

By the end he was exhausted, embarrassed by his fatigue, needing nothing more than a few minutes to catch his breath. He should have been unfazed by the exercise, but he couldn’t stop trying to mentally control his breathing, to keep from hyperventilating. The last trip, the last box, and he would be done, but his knees were giving out on him, legs straining, unable to keep going. 

He knew his brother was waiting for him at the top with a celebratory high five, and Dave so desperately wanted to get there before the other grew bored of waiting and disappeared. He felt like a failure as he sat down, setting the box down gently before collapsing himself. The cold concrete of the steps was a nice contrast to the heat rolling off him, sweating from his efforts.

“What do you think you're doing?” The voice startled Dave, head snapping up to see his brother standing over him. _Oh no._ “Did I say you could take a break? I thought you were stronger than this, but I guess not.”

Dave swallowed thickly, unsure of what to say to the degrading tone in the other’s voice. “I-I was just-”

“I don't care about excuses, results are the only thing that matters. I thought I taught you this.” His brother raised his foot and nudged Dave in the side, and when he went to stand the foot hit him with more force. It sent him stumbling down the flight of stairs, trying to catch himself with his arms outstretched, only to hit the ground with a sickening crack.

His shoulder was on fire, and Dave couldn’t help but lay for a minute and take inventory. He knew his brother was still there, waiting for Dave to get up and finish taking the box inside, but he couldn’t get up, couldn’t move his right arm in a way he could support himself. He struggled to sit up, using his left arm to inspect the other.

It was broken, blood seeping through his shirt and dripping onto the concrete. The pain was absurdly deep, bringing tears into his eyes at the slightest movement. He was sure it was broken, and when he looked over his shoulder he found his brother to be gone. He didn’t know if he felt relieved or not.

He clutched his arm and tried to breath as he picked up his shades and carefully made his way back down the stairs, each step taking what felt like hours. By the time he reached the bottom he was lightheaded and nauseous. Where was the hospital again? He remembered driving by it on the way to the new apartment, this town wasn’t very big at all, a huge contrast to the large city Dave was moving from, but his head was getting fuzzy and he felt turned around.

Dave felt the tears leave his eyes, streaking down his face, and he tried to swallow them down. Crying wasn't something he did, wasn't something he was supposed to do, and Dave knew this, how disappointed his brother would be if he could see him right now. He looked around outside his building, trying desperately to think of what to do. Their car, the one they drove down here with, was pulled up in front of the doors, and he was extremely surprised to find his brother waiting inside. “Get in.” Was the only thing he said through the open window, his words short and stiff.

Dave knew he fucked up, knew he was making it worse as he wiped the tears from his face, but he clambered into the car as fast as his pain-filled body would allow, barely getting the door closed before his brother floored it. Sure, he was grateful for the ride, knowing his brother was always there for him, always going to pick him up when he failed. He just hoped his brother would never tire of Dave’s constant fuck-ups.

The drive was tense and silent, the absolute disappointment rolling from the man behind the wheel made Dave keep his head low. He should have done better, he shouldn’t have given up. Pushing himself was the only way to get stronger, and Dave knew this, knew that giving up meant he was a failure.

Trying to crack a joke would just make things worse, so he kept quiet until they pulled up the the emergency room, and when Dave got out of the car he stood for a moment expecting his brother to get out and go inside with him. But he just drove away, leaving Dave standing before the building, clutching his broken arm as he watched the car slowly leave the parking lot.

Dave had no idea what to do at hospitals, so he awkwardly walked in and stood in front of the counter, quietly waiting for the nurse to finish up what she was doing and pay attention to him. When she glanced up she did a double take, registering that the boy was hurt and needed assistance.

“Sweetie, what happened?” the nurse asked as she walked around to the front of the counter, inspecting Dave's arm without getting too handsy.

“I-” Dave hesitated, “I fell down some stairs, I think it’s broken.” His voice was soft, unable to put his usual backing to it with the shocks of numbness and pain.

She just tisked at him, leaning back over the desk and grabbing a clipboard and a pen, “Where is your mom?” She asked, looking around the waiting room.

“Don’t got one.” Dave loved it when people asked about his parents, he got to use the shock factor that he really didn’t have any.

“Your father?” She asked, clearly embarrassed.

“Nope,” Dave replied shortly, slowly growing a distaste for the entire situation.

“Then who is your guardian?” She finally settled on asking, putting a hand on her hip.

Dave knew that he wasn’t going to show up if they called him, Dave was on his own on this one, “My older brother." 

“Well, where is your brother?” She seemed impatient, which was ironic to Dave seeing as how she wasn't the one with the broken fucking arm.

“Probably home, he just dropped me off.” Dave shrugged with his one good shoulder, unsure of what else to say to her.

“What? Why didn’t he stay? He needs to fill out this paperwork before we can see you.” She sighed and looked around, chewing her lip as she thought. “Let me get a doctor,” She settled on, walking back behind the counter and dialing the phone. “You can have a seat sweetheart,” She told Dave, motioning to the stiff looking chairs sat too close to each other.

The only other people in the room was a kid about his age, presumably sitting with his father. He walked over and sat down a ways away from them, enough to be polite, but that kid didn’t seem to think it was close enough. He stood and walked over to Dave, plopping down beside him and holding out a overly bandaged hand. “Hey! My name’s John, I don’t think I've seen you around befor-”  He seemed to realize that the hand was in no shape to shake, as was Dave’s own broken arm, and he smiled sheepishly.

“I’m Dave, and yeah I just moved here,” Was all he had a reply for, unsure as to why this kid, John, decided to bug him when he was in so much pain he could barely think straight.

“You’re bleeding pretty bad, what happened?” The boy asked, looking Dave over for a wound.

“I didn’t listen to my brothers warning about the stairs. You gotta watch out for the stairs, bro,” Dave spoke as nonchalantly as his strained voice would provide.

“Yeah, I was building this sick tree house but I hit myself with the hammer. It’s nothing really, but my dad flipped out and made us come here.” John rolled his eyes and nodded toward his dad, who looked very dad-like, reading a newspaper with his legs folded. A different nurse stepped from behind a closed door and called a name, “John Egbert?”

“Well, nice to meet you Dave!” John seemed friendly enough, almost too friendly. It rubbed Dave the wrong way, just how open and charismatic he was. The boy stood and walked back to his father, both of them following the nurse behind the doors.

Dave sighed and let his head roll back onto the chair, getting lightheaded as the numbness seeped down his spine, his slowly soaking shirt didn’t help his bitter mood. The nurse at the front desk stood as a doctor exited the doors John disappeared through, and they stood hunched over together talking in hushed voices.

After a good minute or two they walked over to Dave, the doctor motioning for him to stand. He did as he was directed, standing and following the doctor's hands as they guided him through the pain so he could correctly inspect the wound. “I’m going to have to cut your shirt off to see it clearly, but it seems like you broke something good in there.” The man sounded somber. 

“Do you have any health insurance? We can’t treat you unless you do,” the nurse asked, placing a hand on the doctor’s arm as if to remind him.

This made Dave laugh, “Really? ‘Sorry you’re poor, guess you’ll just have to die.’ Sounds like a great system.” This seemed to upset the nurse, a wonky look crossed her featured before she sighed.

The doctor gently removed her hand, “Son, follow me. We’ll get you fixed up.” He made to walk towards the door, but the nurse tried to stop him.

“Who’s going to pay for this? This is completely unethical!” She seemed to be overreacting in Dave’s opinion, he was grumpy and about to pass out from the  absolute agony in his shoulder, he just wanted to get pumped full of painkillers and sleep for a week.

“I will,” The doctor said it like it should have been common knowledge, completely rational to pay for some mystery kid with some mystery injury.

Dave followed him into a small room, and he sat in a tense silence as the man examined the wound. “Does this hurt at all? You seem to be unfazed,” he asked, clearly surprised that Dave wasn’t bawling his eyes out. “Are you used to injuries like these?” He had an undertone to his voice, something that told Dave he already knew.

“Yeah I guess,” Dave shrugged with his good shoulder. He was glad the doctor didn't ask how he got it, just accepted the fact that Dave needed his help, and was willing to help.

It confused Dave, how was he supposed to trust this guy? Accept his help? He didn't even know who he was, his brother always warned him about doctors, saying that they made you sicker so they made more money. Dave couldn’t see that in the old man stood before him. He seemed too honest, too good of a person.

“By the way, I’m doctor Harley. If you ever need anything you can come to me, alright?” He asked it in a way that was an order, something told Dave that he knew they’d be seeing each other a lot.

“Yeah, okay.” Was all Dave could say.

He determined that Dave’s shoulder was dislocated, and his humerus was broken. He was admitted for the night as they waited for the surgery the next morning, and Dave felt like a king with the hospital treatment combined with the ludicrous amounts of painkillers.

He thought about his brother, wondered if he would be okay with this. Maybe he would want Dave to tough it out and fix it on his own, maybe he wanted Dave to come home tonight and not tomorrow. The anxiety was shooed sway by the drugs, his mind at a calm sluggish pace in his head, thankful that he didn’t have to think of the consequences of going through with this without his brother.

He hopped he didn't fuck up too badly today, rethinking how he could have toughed it out and finished taking the last box up the stairs, ashamed at how weak he was. He was sure living on the top floor with no elevator was a way of his brother helping him get stronger, something to challenge him everyday as he comes and goes from home. Dave had to say he appreciated it, the thought and care his brother always held for him. Always trying to help push Dave to get better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO!! I know that it’s completely illegal to operate on a child without guardian consent, but for the sake of the story i’m going to let it slide. Please don’t bombard me with stuff about how it’s unrealistic, i already know this and made the executive decision to let it go
> 
> COMMENTS PLEASE!!!


	2. Savior

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, sorry for that wait, next chapter will be super long to make up for this one

“What the fuck are you guys doing?” The voice cut through Dave's panicked and clouding thoughts. From behind the safety of his shades he chanced a peek, finding someone around his age standing next to Terezi, an unhappy scowl pulling his features askew.

The boy motioned toward Dave as if that would explain anything having to do with his sudden approach, glaring at everyone in the crowd surrounding them. Terezi laughed, the amazing cackle that no human should be able to make, and patted the shorter boy on the back.  
  
“Well Davey here just moved here at the beginning of the summer, and it turns out he's scared of water! How hilarious is that Karkles?” He hated her with every atom in his body at that moment. He couldn’t believe he let them talk him into this.

  
John makes to step deeper into the water, and Dave takes it back, he hates John more. He would never forgive himself for the noise that escapes his mouth, an embarrassing squeak of fear, humiliating for everyone to hear. He was going to breath in the water, it was going to get in his lungs. He already couldn't breath. He couldn't do anything but cling and try to control his hysterical mind.  
  
The kid, Karkles, mumbled something to himself under his breath before speaking up. “John, let him out. And you, don't encourage John.” He couldn't pay attention to their conversation anymore. Instead putting all his efforts into clinging to John in the most uncool fashion as they waded out of the water. Karkles seemed educated on how to handle this group of  friends, and despite his stature and general rough attitude, the crowd listened to him.

Why was he was acting like this? He kept cursing himself over and over, how he should be cool with this. He should be okay. Unfazed. Why was he so weak? John was going to drop him. He was going to breath in the water, he was going to drown. He could feel a cough building in the back of his throat, he could already taste the chlorine in the pool.  
  
John got him to the edge safely. Dave, with an absurd amount of finesse, scrambled over the lip and onto the nice warm concrete. He took a small moment to feel the ground beneath him, reminding himself that he was safe and okay.  
  
John followed him out of they water and helped Dave to his feet, motioning between him and his savor. “Anyway, Karkat this is Dave. Dave, this is Karkat.”  
  
“I'd like to formally apologize for these idiots and their shenanigans.” Karkat, not Karkles, spoke toward the general direction where the crowd was dissipating.  
  
Dave didn't know what else to do, so he shrugged and adjusted his glasses, a nervous habit. “It's cool, usually this crazy shit they do is funny, but when it's you it’s just downright mean and abusive.”

  
On an impulse he turned to Terezi, placing a hand over his heart and pulling the most dramatic tone he could. “Oh Tez, why would you ever want to see me in pain? What happened to the love? The commitment we made in the dark that nig-.” She hit Dave in the chest as she laughed that beautiful fire crackle laugh of hers.

“Oh, shut up Dave!” Terezi threw him a toothy smile, “You’re just saying that because you can’t wait to get into these-” She stops herself short and pulls a chair out from under a table, throwing her leg onto it and presenting her bikini bottom with a fancy wave over her hand, “Not pants”

“Did you just call your swim trunks ‘not pants’?” John asks, clearly befuddled.

“It’s not funny when you re-explain a joke, Egbe-” Dave tried to say, only to be interrupted by Terezi

“Did you just call my not pants ‘swim trunks?” Terezi slid the chair away from her, stalking up to John to point at his crotch.

“Johnny, my boy, my man, my dog. THESE are swim trunks,” She slides another chair out from yet another table, repeating her bikini bottom presentation. “THESE are clearly, _not pants_.”

John turns to Dave for any sign of help, but all the blonde can do is shrug. “I mean, she's not wrong.” Dave mumbles with a smile.

Suddenly Karkat speaks up, “Wait, what? Is no one going to comment on what the fuck just happened between you two?” He practically shouted, motioning between Dave and Terezi.

Terezi sighed, unimpressed. “It’s not real, Kar-” But before she could finish Dave acted on impulse yet again, pulling the girl into a hug and starting to throw her around in a crude interpretation of a dance. He couldn’t help the smile that started tugging on the corners of his mouth, throwing his head back to laugh and yell, “It's true Karkat, we're in love! I'll yell it from the rooftops and dance about in the streets!”

Terezi managed to squirm her way out if his grip, laughing up a storm and clutching her stomach.

Usually John had to drag Dave over to his friends for introductions, the ice breaker of the cast or the sick scars left behind by the pins in his elbow a always good go-to. But somehow this one came to him, to his rescue and his defense. Karkat always seemed to be yelling about something, or at someone, he was easy to pick out of the crowd. Or maybe it was just Dave, whose eyes seemed glued to him from behind his shades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments?


	3. Sea the Judging? It's All In Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he finally arrived at the beach, the first step onto the white sand is when he knew he made a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuses

The new school didn’t take as much time to get affiliated with as Dave had anticipated, the teachers weren't too much of a hassle, and even though the halls were confusing at times he managed.  He seemed to already know everyone here, the school was ridiculously small, compatible with the small size of the town itself, but a huge contrast to where Dave is from.

Most of the issues he ran into were the ‘no sunglasses’ rule, and he was immediately humiliated the first hour of the first day. After that unfortunate incident he made sure to always have two or three copies of his ‘doctor's note’ with him at all times.

Other than school, this new place was kinda okay. The whole apartment is a lot smaller than the one they had, and therefor a lot more cluttered. His room was about the same size, but Bro didn’t even have a room this time. He took up the ‘living room’ area, and when Dave questioned him about the lack of privacy Bro had only said, “For the both of us.” in his most ominous tone and backed out of the room slowly.

But still, it was enough he supposed. All his sound equipment still fit, and even though there were cords literally everywhere, he managed not to trip a solid ninety percent of the time.

His love for music was helping calm his nerves after a particularly stressful day at school, but this usual cure wasn't so sustainable this time. He was antsy, needing to get out of the house. He scrolled his contacts, looking for someone to antagonize. He sent John a quick message, something cryptic and ominous that would guarantee a swift reply of many question marks.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]    
  
TG: even brain surgery is easier when youre a professional chef

He continued down the line and found Karkat’s number, deciding to antagonize him for a change.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling CarcinoGeneticist [CG]  
  
TG: yo karkat  
TG: did you do the history homework  
TG: i tried conning john into doing it like a chump he is  
TG: maybe steal his lunch money while im at it

By then he got a reply from John, his phone buzzing a few times basically guaranteed a flustered John.

EB: ?????????  
EB: what does this even mean  
EB: why are you like this

As he was typing a reply to John, his phone buzzed again, a message from Karkat surprising him, not expecting a reply so soon. Karkat usually took hours to reply never really being near his phone, as far as Dave could tell.  
  
CG: NO I DIDN'T DO IT

Dave completely forgot to reply to John in his hurry to reply to Karkat while he had his phone in his hands, not even thinking while his fingers flew across the small touch screen keyboard. Why he felt such a desperate need to reply soon, or at all, Dave didn't really know, and he decided not to focus on it too much.

  
TG: what why I thought you were smart  
TG: what happened to all those good grades and getting into college and other smart kid bullshit  
  
CG: WHO TOLD YOU THAT  
CG: KARKAT VANTAS? SMART?  
CG: WHOEVER YOUR SOURCE IS SHOULD BE BEATEN AND CUT THEN THROWN INTO A POOL OF VINEGAR FOR SAFE MEASURE  
CG: I JUST DIDN'T HAVE TIME  
  
TG: time  
TG: somehow im having a hard time believing that  
TG: im finger gunning at you but you can't see it man im so good at word play high five dave nice one  
TG: what do you even do with all your free time  
TG: i never see you hanging with tez or john or any of your other weird and slightly frightening friends

He tried to reply to John again but Karkat replied before he could even switch over, and he had to admit to himself that it was super fucking satisfying. Maybe because it was an ongoing thing that Karkat never replied on time and was, for some unknown reason, replying to the messages just as fast as Dave would send them. Or the fact that when he replied it wasn't one worded or just enough information, he was actually carrying on the conversation. Usually it was just himself to fill the empty space that was Karkat’s inbox, leaving his shtick one sided witty banter and funny jokes.

  
CG: MY FRIENDS ARE FINE  
CG: EVEN IF THEY ARE SLIGHTLY FRIGHTENING  
CG: AND IM BUSY  
  
TG: yeah i get that  
TG: but with what  
  
CG: IM AT THE BEACH CURRENTLY  
CG: HAPPY? IM A NERD SWIMMER GO AHEAD AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM  
CG: HAHA KARKAT ENJOYS AN ACTIVITY LET'S ALL GATHER AROUND AND POINT AT HIM  
CG: HOW DARE HE HAVE FREE TIME AND SPEND IT DOING SOMETHING HE ENJOYS

Dave was already putting on his shoes, laughing at the implication that Dave would judge him. Of course Dave gave him shit, all the literal time, but he was never malicious with it. He left the apartment without any trouble, thankful that sometimes his brother did not give two shits about where he went or what he did. Bro was good like that, giving Dave space when he needed it.  
  
TG: im on my way  
TG: youre at the north beach right  
TG: the one closest to your house  
  
CG: I KNOW I CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND ONCE YOU'VE MADE IT  
CG: BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S KINDA LATE?  
CG: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HEAD HOME

Dave scowled at his phone, putting a hand up to shield his eyes from the sun as he took in its creeping departure. Yeah, that sucked, but like fuck he was turning around. He hadn’t even looked up when he left the building, eyes on his shoes and a few feet further, too focused on getting to his destination without tripping on the sidewalk to be bothered with things like surroundings and peripheral vision.  
  
TG: nah man im already halfway there if i turn around now ill be bored and tired  
TG: and im not in the mood for a nap  
  
CG: FINE  
CG: IM SITTING ON THE SHORE A FEW YARDS TO THE RIGHT OF THE ENTRANCE

Dave had only spent one-on-one time with Karkat a handful of times. They shared a class and the same lunch period, and since it seemed that everyone here knew each other, they had mutual friends. Including John, surprisingly.

Their friendship always amused Dave, Karkat would act as if John was this huge annoyance, but ultimately give in to whatever stupid thing it was he wanted to do. It was like John was this bug that managed to wiggle its way into Karkat's life and fill it with slight inconveniences and stupid pranks. Karkat loved to act like he hated John with every ounce of hatred in his tiny body, but that was obviously not the case.

When he finally arrived at the beach, the first step onto the white sand is when he knew he made a mistake. He could already hear the waves, the wind howling and it sent shivers up his arms. The uneven ground didn’t help his nerves, losing his footing and stumbling before he managed to get the hang of it.

His inner monologue consisted of ‘heel arch toe’ with some intermediate screaming mixed in as he made his way down the beach, spotting Karkat almost instantly. Making his way there was the hard part, and he thanked whatever deity was out there that Karkat seemed so distracted by the water that he didn’t notice Dave’s troubles.

The wind picked up some, and Dave unceremoniously flopped down beside Karkat on the damp towel already compromised by the sand leaking in from the edges. This seemed to surprise the other boy, and Dave just mumbled a “Sup,” without much thought to the action, keeping his eyes on the horizon before them.

Karkat kept his eyes on him for a few moments more before turning away, “Hi,” was his only reply. The sky was growing darker as the sun continued on its path toward the horizon, the colors mixing and bleeding into each other. It was amazing how it reflected off the water, like a rugged mirror distorting the image and somehow making it better.

He noticed a few seagulls down the beach, watched them peck at the shore and scattered with each returning wave, only to chase it back toward the bank and peck once again at the sand.

It was nice to look at, Dave could admit the visual aesthetic of sunsets over the ocean. But actively interacting with it was a whole other subject, something Dave got nervous just thinking about. How could someone just ignore all the dangers, all the things that could go wrong? It amazed him, watching the sky meet the ocean, a kiss of horizons, and feel attracted to it. The beauty of it was captivating, terrifyingly so.

“Why do you like the water so much?” Dave finally asked after what felt like forever. He had a very obvious measurement of time right before him, and logically he knew it couldn’t have been more than a minute or two, but in the time he spent just sitting with Karkat and taking in the scenery felt like he aged a considerable amount. Maybe that was just the overwhelming fear shaving off a few years of his life span. Sounds about right.

“It’s calming,” was Karkat's reply, and Dave nodded so the other knew he was listening without really needing to reply. He didn’t really know how to reply, the idea that something so terrifying could be anything, _calming_ even, to another person is a testament to how different they are.

He wanted to touch the colors, feel them against his skin. He imagined it would feel like oil heavy water, the cup you wash your brushes in while you created such a scene on canvas. Maybe one day he could kiss the sky, know how the sun felt against his tongue, the gentle caress of the changing colors. The smoothness of the clouds against his cheek, the birds cawing in his ears, feeling the wind from their wings in his hair.

He finally looked at Karkat, his own thoughts slowly making himself uncomfortable, and wondered if the other boy felt the same way. Felt the need to physically know such an amazing visual experience. Maybe that’s why he loved the ocean so much. Dave wanted desperately to know that, too.

Dave stood then, slipping out of his shoes and thanking himself for deciding that socks were too much of a hassle, before holding his hand out to help Karkat to his feet. The shorter boy gave him a questioning look but ultimately accepted the hand and was pulled to his feet.

“Show me,” Dave motioned to the water, trying his absolute fucking hardest not to let any of the screaming that was occupying his current thoughts become actively vocal.

Karkat looked at him with utter confusion, disbelief, and opened his mouth a few times before finally getting out, “You.. Are you sure?” He glanced between the slowly setting sun and Dave’s nodding, eyes narrowed in obvious suspicion, before giving in and sighing.

Karkat walked toward the water and Dave felt like he was on an auto-pilot setting as he followed, albeit slower. The shorter boy stopped a step from where the water lapped at the edges of the shore, back to the sunset as he held out a hand to Dave.

Dave felt time time froze, like everything in the whole world paused just for him. Silence rang in his ears, the wind stopped, and the colors ever changing in the sky hesitated. Karkat stood before him, framed by the setting sun, the edges of his hair lost to the pinks and reds.

It was still damp, slowly drying from his swim before Dave had shown up. It stuck up in all directions, just starting to curl again as it slowly lost the weight of the water. His face was cast in a shadow, the sun just grazing his cheekbone and jaw, giving his silhouette a softer outline. The way the bridge of his nose blended into his brow bone, creating a lasting scowl. The way his lips pursed, how pink and soft they seemed, the small dip between his top lip and nose. Taking in his dark complexion and thick eyebrows, his darker eyes. They were hesitant, but there was more there that Dave sought to know, to understand without words. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity he swallowed down the lump in his throat, the popping of his ears resetting everything. Suddenly he could hear the wind, the seagulls crying a ways down the beach. He could hear the waves crashing and rolling up and down the bank, could see the sun continue to sink, watch the colors return to their dance.

He focused once more on Karkat’s hand extended before him, and accepted it in his own. On impulse he blurted out a swift, “No homo,” without really thinking about it, more of a reflex in his nervous state than anything else. Can’t be holding hands with your bro before clearly stating before hand that you are, indeed, not a homosexual. Karkat didn’t acknowledge it at all, instead choosing to take a step back, and Dave was so hyper aware of the sound of Karkat’s foot hitting the water, how fucking close to touching it he was himself.

“Just one step, you can stay on the bank but at least get a little further out.” Karkat spoke softly between them, not really needing to speak any louder with how close they already were. Dave swallowed again, taking a deep breath and sliding his foot toward a receding wave, doing everything in his power to keep from retching his limb back when the cold water returned.

It was an odd feeling, he could admit that. The water was cold, and as it flowed up and down the bank it pulled the sand he was standing on with it. He could feel the sentiment move beneath him, could feel shells float past him. The thought of something else being in the water, near him, close enough to graze his skin, something unknown and potentially dangerous, created a fire in his nerves. Maybe he would be killed instantly, but he knew better than to hope for that. No, his death would be slow and painful, filled with desperation and confusion, as he laid on the beach.

What would Karkat do? Go for help? Or stay with him? If he was bitten, would he hold pressure to keep him from bleeding out? What if he was poisoned? What could Karkat do? The hospital was practically across town from here, and neither of them had cars. Plus, a small town hospital most likely couldn't care for him if he was catatonic, hed need to be transferred. Dave would die.

Dave _would_ die.

Karkat was looking at him with an expression twisted with concern, and Dave quickly scrambles for something to say. “So fucking cold outside, cold ass water on my cold ass feet, don’t even know why I decided to do this..” He rambles to mostly himself, letting the words die in his throat as he places his other foot next to the one in the water.

He held his other hand suspended in the air as he gathered himself, and Karkat took it in his own almost immediately. Dave took deep breaths to try and calm his fraying nerves, trying to focus more on the stable warms of Karkat’s palms than the flowing cold surrounding his feet.

Karkat took another step back and in that moment Dave never wanted to die more. His composure was fading fast and he knew it, so aware of the fact that Karkat was looking at him, just staring at his face and it was driving Dave insane, knowing that Karkat was seeing him so weak.

With this thought he breathed deep again and took another step forward, toes digging in the moving sand, trying desperately to mentally will it to stay put, to stay underneath him and not float away, to not swallow him up, to not bury him in the depths of the ocean where god who knows what can feast on his corps, where he would never be found.

“You're doing a lot better than I thought you would,” Karkat spoke at almost a whisper.

“Shut up.” Dave immediately snapped back.

He glanced up from where his eyes had been glued to his feet, catching Karkat’s eye for half a second before the other’s attention was back on the water. He looked nice, a soft smile covering his usual hardened features, and Dave was overwhelmed with some kind of emotion he couldn't decipher. It almost felt like an accomplishment, something to hold before a crowd and say, ‘see what i did?’

Dave liked making Karkat smile.

Karkat was… enjoying this? Being with Dave? Out here?

That just couldn’t be true. If not, they why else would Karkat smile so? Was it mockery? Was it more of a condescending sneer than that of a joyous grin? Dave stared at the others face, trying to will a telepathic connection to Karkat, pleading the other to tell him what it was that made him smile. Dave was suddenly aware of how how his hands were shaking, only because of how stable Karkat’s were. This realization spread over his whole body, the feeling of his veins filling with ice and freezing overwhelmed him. His face wasn’t controlled, his hands were shaking, he was holding Karkat’s hands and his was shaking, his feet were in the water, the ocean water.

He snatched his hands away from Karkat's and stumbled back up the beach, putting some distance between him and the water. He couldn’t stop shaking, his heart was beating so fast. He could hear himself breathe, could hear the rapid pace of his heart bursting from the seams. He grasp his chest, trying to physically and mentally will the panic to leave.

Karkat’s voice seemed so far away and so loud at the same time, and he didn’t really recognize him until he stopped Dave from pacing, something he hadn’t even realized he was doing, to forcefully remove the hand grasping his chest every so desperately into his own. Only when he stopped moving and again focused on Karkat did his words seem to register.

“Dave I need you to breathe with me okay? Just breathe, watch me okay? In... Out... In, no Dave watch me, okay? I'm right here, okay?” Karkat seemed calm, although concerned, and it helped ease Dave to a degree. He watched Karkat intently and followed his breathing, managing to match him rather quickly.

The overall feeling of disconcert stayed even then the panic subsided. Dave tried to stay distant from Karkat, suddenly questioning how much the other judged him. He was weak, he freaked out over a little bit of water, and needed someone else to calm him down. It was stupid, how angry at himself he was, he knew that, but it didn’t change the feeling.

But the shorter boy wouldn’t let him, kept asking him how he was with real concern and kept trying to fucking comfort him. Dave could only nod and shake his head, his throat one huge knot that he couldn’t swallow.

Finally, the sun set and they both went to their respective homes, and it wasn’t until Dave was alone in his room that he remembered that he never did reply to John.

He wondered if John would have judged him today, if he would have kept his distance or even laughed. Karkat was overwhelmingly kind, especially contrasted to his usual ‘uncaring’ demeanor. It left Dave feeling weary, and he didn’t know why. His last thoughts before finally succumbing to sleep were a blur of judging faces and ‘what ifs’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok listen i'm going to be completely honest and say that those multiple paragraph long comments that are basically academic essays are literally my favorite, those get my blood PUMPED, and u bet your ass i reread them 100000 times and fucking worship everyone who takes the time to write them. but like,, there is none more satisfying that the "I HATE U AND I WANT TO DIE" or much simpler version, the "AAAAAA" comments.
> 
> Please comment


	4. Pumpkin Pickings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of 'Pier Insight' from 'Dive Right In'. Dave finds Karkat on the pier, and takes him to a movie to cheer him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the LONGEST chapter i have EVER written. Enjoy?  
> Also, i'm sorry for the Halloween chapter in December, i'm missing the orange and pumpkin scented everything already :'c  
> You'll get your mistletoe soon, u heathens

He wasn’t paying attention to the movie at all, some stupid rom-com centered around two people finding love through the art of dance or some shit. Instead, Dave was trapped in his own thoughts again.

He found Karkat up on the pier at the beach, the kid had been crying but denied everything. He was changing, slowly, and it bothered Dave.

Of course- not everything was different, he was still _Karkat_. He still chose to see the worse movie playing, still got the large popcorn and a medium soda. Still becomes so invested in the forced ‘romance’ of the movie that he couldn’t notice Dave’s concerned glances. Obviously, he was only obsessively checking on Karkat's expression every three seconds because he was worried about the other, not because watching him was better than watching the actual movie.

But it was the _little_ things. He doesn’t reply as much, or as fast, as he use to, something that Dave immediately noticed. Almost like he doesn’t even want to touch his phone, that the simple act of checking a message and sending a small reply was too much. This left Dave to ramble in his inbox for obscene amounts of down-time, reminiscent of their much earlier days of friendship.

It was an odd sensation, seeing someone slowly change from who you first knew them as. Some people never change, some people can’t stay the same. But living moment-to-moment and witnessing the transformation from an outward perspective made Dave more… uncomfortable than anything else.

See, John never changed. In the months Dave had been living here, John remained the same goofy impulsive kid he meet in the hospital that fateful day. It’s hard to define a person, a conscious existence, boiled down into a few descriptive words, but everything was so easy with John.

But something was up with Karkat, and Dave couldn’t quite put his finger on it. The day they met Karkat had been outgoing, was able to genuinely enjoy his surroundings and lived in the present. He was bright and - _fuck_ \- playful, even. And the transition didn’t happen overnight, there was never a moment of ‘wow Karkat is acting very different.’ He’s overall more distant, doesn’t respond well to Dave asking personal questions, doesn’t ask many himself anymore.

It’s the little things. It’s **_always_ ** the little things. When the leaves started to fall Karkat would look solum, a contrast to everyone else taking nonsensical steps from one crunchy leaf to another. He would scowl at the fall decorations in the dollar store, flicking the red and orange wreath in distaste before stalking off to look at the summer items on clearance. Dave always hated noticing the little things, thought that he shouldn’t spend so much time thinking about another dude, but now it just made him want to notice _more._

Specifically, _why_ was Karkat acting like this? When did it start? What causes it? How could Dave fix it?

It was like, as time moved forward, Karkat grew more withdrawn. And Dave didn’t like it.

The more he thought about the more frustrated he got. Why couldn't Karkat just talk to him? Dave would understand, they could talk it out, whatever it was that Karkat was going through. Dave was _so_ **_sure_** he could help.

The movie was growing toward the climax, Dave could tell, and started paying a little bit more attention to what was happening. He was lost already, having missed the intro plot and character motivation, but the dancing was nice to watch.

Dave always admired the art of dancing, he just never thought it was cool enough for someone like him. Dancing had a certain.. stigma to it that he couldn't describe. Something in his mind telling him that it wouldn't be fruitful, to explore other routes such as his music and photography. That shit was cool, no doubt about it.

There was a montage of different styles of dancing; the full body choreography, ballet, pop and lock, some shit where a dude spun around on a floor. It look like genuine fun, and Dave blamed the magic of the big screen for making his body want to dance along as he watched.

Instead he diverted his attention to Karkat once more, finding him looking into his empty popcorn bucket longingly. Dave rolled his eyes and stood, ripping the bucket from the others grasp and making his way down the narrow aisle before Karkat could even get a refusal out. The kid could shovel popcorn into his mouth like no tomorrow.

The lobby was relatively small and easily crowded, one sweep of the room was all that was needed. One singular arcade machine sat collecting dust in the corner, the screen blacked out and an ‘Out of Order’ sign written with sharpie taped to it. When he glanced to the counter he was surprised to find a few people he knew standing around. Considering that the town was so small he was used to seeing acquaintances here and there, but something felt off about this time.

Nepeta noticed him first, smiling and waving him over to stand in line with their little group. This means he skipped a small family at the back of the line, but they were so interested in looking at the upcoming movie posters hanging on the wall that they didn't mind.  

“Hey, Dave! What’s up?” Nepeta asked excitedly as he approached, and he couldn’t help but smile back, her happiness contagious at best. The closer to the counter they got the heavier the smell of butter and salt became, a background noise of the kernels popping in the machine making everyone speak a little louder than normal.

“Just watching a movie with Karkat.” He waved hello to the rest of the people standing around, knowing by now that they will occupy within themselves until they want to join into the conversation.

“Oh! Us too!” She turned and smiled at Equius, who just stood there. That dude was scary sometimes, and he could never wrap his head around just how those two became such good friends to begin with. “What movie?”

Dave faltered, he didn’t remember the name or literally anything about the plot, too wrapped up in his own thoughts and staring at Karkat. “That one about dancing or some crap.” He shrugged and hoped the other would buy his nonchalant attitude.

“Is it any good?” She asked, stepping forward as the line moved. She had to wave at the others to make them move forward too, seemingly deep in some argument about whatever stupid crap they decided to defend this time.

“I can’t really tell ya, I haven't been paying too much attention.” 

“And it’s just you and Karkitty?” She asks, a look on her face that filled Dave with a sudden flight or fight response. By this time they reached the front of the line and Equius started ordering things, turning to ask Nepeta what she wanted only to swiftly turn back around with the look she gave him.

How the fuck Nepeta even managed to scare that bolder of a man was beyond Dave, but he was sure there was a reason. Note to self: don’t fuck with Nepeta.

Dave realized that he’d been quite, a little too quiet, so he just shrugged and nodded. Equius stepped aside from the counter and nervously glanced at Nepeta, but once he realized the moment had passed he handed her things to help carry. She waved to him, almost spilling her soda as they walked away.

Dave asked for a refill on his popcorn and ignored the argument behind him as it was slowly boiling out of hand. The cute girl behind the counter handed him his popcorn, and she seemed to want to talk more,  but the two very loud people behind him noticed that his transaction was done and promptly shoved him aside. If Dave didn’t already know the people in this town well enough to understand that it was all playful and in good heart, he would think literally everyone here was a raging asshole.

He walked back to the theatre Karkat was resided in, but hesitated at the door when he heard his name called somewhere down the hallway. A quick glance around proved that it was Nepeta, jogging up to him with a huge smile on her face. It took Dave a second to notice he was smiling back, a reflex at this point, and controlled his face once more.

“I’m glad I caught you!” She hesitated for a moment before continuing, “I’m working tomorrow, if you and Karkat wanted to stop by and pet some of the cats?” She seemed nervous about asking, as if Dave would decline.

“Sure, sounds fun. What time?” Dave tried to reply nonchalantly, but the prospect of seeing a bunch of cute tiny kittens made him a little gleeful.

“I work all day so just show up whenever!” She beamed up at him for a few more moments before swiftly turning on her heel and scampering away back down the hall.

He returned to his seat and Karkat all but snatched the popcorn from him, too invested in the movie for even a ‘thank you’. Dave could tell, without even casting a glance toward the large screen, that it was a romantic scene. Karkat was flushed in the blue light, teeth worrying his lip when he wasn’t busy shoveling crunchy buttery mess into his mouth hole. His eyes were intense, flipping from one side of the screen to the other as the characters talked and camera angles changed.

Dave rolled his eyes and leaned back, thankful that some of the things that made Karkat so… himself remained during whatever bout of weirdness he was going through. His love for movies, for theater popcorn. How he could get _so_ invested, you could talk to him for hours and he’d never realize as long as the stereo sound was slightly louder than your voice.

However, some of the little things that made Karkat so himself felt as if they were slipping through the cracks, with nothing to replace them. He use to talk a lot more, in person and online, and now he was growing more and more quite. Something wholly unlike Karkat. And without Karkat’s enthusiastic replies, Dave was left to converse with himself, in person and online, filling the silence the only way he really knew how. He would ramble, or play on his phone loudly with the tracks he’s completed. He would idly tap and humm, anything to distract himself from how Karkat was pulling away.  

Because that what it really felt like, at the core of it. Karkat was pulling away from him, creating his own space without involving Dave. It made Dave feel weird, feeling something short of abandoned, forgotten, or displaced. He could understand if Karkat needed a break, they hung out a lot and texted regularly. He just wished the other boy would talk about it, say something- _anything-_ to allow Dave some inside look on what was going on in his head.

But Karkat was a sealed book with no cover. Nothing but the information he wanted to tell, that's all that Dave knew. Which, honestly, now that he really thought about it, wasn’t a whole lot. Dave knew close to nothing about Karkat. Well, the things that aren't obvious.

It was obvious that he liked the water, that’s the first thing Dave ever really learned about Karkat. He loved reading, but typically only did it when he was alone. He would get so wrapped up in whatever he was browsing through that he’d forget the outside world, would tangle himself into positions that looked cramped and impossible, hunched over an open book.

Dave had walked into rooms to find Karkat in a position that made his own back cramp just from looking at him, had tried to gain his attention with no avail. He had walked up to the other and stared over his shoulder for a moment or two before reaching out a hand to nudge his shoulder, and once the spell was broken Karkat would fall from wherever he perched, a windmill of flapping arms and angry yelling, before finally turning his attention to Dave with a red face. Dave thought it was from anger at first, but after a few times of this he realized that Karkat was embarrassed.

Dave felt special to be allowed to see this side of Karkat. Not the one everyone else saw, the screaming and yelling, the overplayed anger, the defensiveness in which he held himself. No, Dave was allowed to peek at this stranger living within the mind of his friend, someone who could be still and quiet for hours at a time, too invested in a dumb romance novel to remember to eat. Someone who could smile without covering his face or looking away, someone who-

Dave wondered if anyone else had seen ~~_(his)_ ~~ this Karkat, other than him.

The lights brightening around him alerted him to the movie ending, and he watched as Karkat stood and popped his back before turning to him. “Ready?” The other asked, and Dave shrugged before pulling himself up and out of the shitty seat.

They didn’t run into any of the others as they left the building, Karkat still snacking on what little was left of his popcorn. The girl behind the counter took the time to wave to Dave, telling them to come again soon as they exited the doors. He hesitated once on the sidewalk, glancing around at the baring trees before turning his attention to Karkat.

He was scowling at the ground, feebly kicking at a leaf that wasn't crunchy. The huge hoodie he wore was, more than likely, two or three sizes too big on him, and it swallowed him, making him look even smaller than he really was. “So what now?” Dave asked, feeling unsteady.

Karkat shrugged, having now emptied out the popcorn bucket. He walked away a few feet to throw it into a nearby trashcan, and Dave caught himself noticing that the hoodie was so big it covered Karkat’s butt.

He needed to get a grip.

“Nepeta offered to show us some kittens tomorrow at her work.” Dave supplied as Karkat made his way back to him, trying anything to forget how uncomfortable his own brain made him, saying the first thing that popped into his mind.

“What? When did she say that?” Karkat looked confused, tilting his head and crossing his arms.

“She was seeing a movie with some of her friends, I ran into her when I was refilling your popcorn.” At the mention of the precious buttery treat Karkat glanced at the trashcan longingly before composing himself and turning back to Dave.

“Sounds like fun, I love cats.” Karkat agreed, nodding his head and scuffing his feet against the sidewalk.

“Do you like pumpkins?” Dave asked the questions the second it popped into his mind, remembering the little patch between here and his own home.

“Yeah?” Karkat answered in obvious confusion as Dave started to walk, having to jog to catch up to him after a moment.

They walked in content silence, aimlessly wandering around through back roads. He suddenly realized how dark it was getting outside, the sun already behind the treeline and twilight falling quickly. It was fall, and as the season got colder the sooner the sun would set. It was nice, creating an air of ominousness, the chill just enough to make the air feel crisp- but not enough to be unbearable.

Dave could do this again, spend such idle time with Karkat out on the streets in the dead of night. Sure, it was still early evening and the sun was setting early because of the season, but Dave couldn’t shake the image of how they would do this again and again. Running through the streets at night, nothing but their laughter drifting between one street light to the next.

The park came up sooner than he thought they would, forgetting just how quickly they can walk from one place to another without really thinking about it. A sign hanging displayed “PUMPKINS! Pick Yourself, $5 Entry Fee.” Karkat hesitated in his step, glancing wearily at Dave.

“Are we.. going to pick out a pumpkin?” Karkat asked, his voice small as their steps led them closer and closer to the entrance.

“Yeah, why not?” Dave asked, already knowing what Karkat was going to say.

“Dave, you just paid for us to see a movie! We don’t have to get a pumpkin too, yaknow.” He seemed apprehensive, slowing down the closer to the entrance their steps took them until he stopped walking completely.

Dave stopped and turned to him, face passive and voice controlled. “Dude, listen, I wanted to pay for that movie. I _enjoyed_ seeing that movie with you, so I didn't mind buying your treats.”

Karkat looked down at his feet, hands fiddling with the ends of his sleeves.

“And now, I _want_ to buy this pumpkin so we can carve it together.”

Karkat glanced at him, seemingly unconvinced.

“It’s just that simple.” Dave shrugged, not knowing how to get it across to the other boy that sometimes you have to spend a little money to feel human, to have fun, to enjoy life. It didn’t matter to Dave that this was the last of his cash, all that mattered was cheering Karkat up from whatever was going on in the other boys head. Whatever made him get up on that pier.

“But Dave, you’ve already spent so much mon-” Karkat tried to interject but Dave immediately interrupted him.

“I _want_ to. It’s my money and i’ll spend it how I like.” Dave walked to the entrance and nodded at a old lady sitting by a table, asking for two admission tickets. As he paid and chatted the old coon up, Karkat managed to find his way over, they both held out their hands for some wrist bands.

The pumpkin patch was small, it looked like someone unloaded a truckload or two around in the grass, hay bales and scarecrows added here and there for aesthetics. Dave wandered around a bit, trying not to obsessively follow Karkat around with his eyes, watching the other boy frown as he looked around.

He found a pumpkin he liked, it was heavy and definitely worth the entry fee. It didn’t have any bad spots on it, and the stem was study enough to be carried by it. He made his way over to where Karkat was kneeling in the grass, scrutinizing a small collection of the pumpkins.

They were all on the runt size of the scale, but Karkat seemed to like the smaller ones, which was fine with Dave. He looked nice, a concentrated look on his face as he held up the orange ball, turning it in his hands. Fall colors looked so nice around Karkat, the warm tones matching the caramel color of his skin nicely.

If Dave didn’t already know Karkat, he would assume the other boy was a fall person, big hoodies and dark aesthetics. That he would like cuddling up by a fire to read a book, a big dog at his feet. Warm cups of coffee, or tea, or hot coco. That he would surround himself in the reds and oranges of autumn, decorate his house for Halloween and Thanksgiving.

But no, Karkat thrived in the summer, when it was too humid to breath and too warm to move. He loved the sun, how he managed to get even tanner was beyond Dave’s pale ass. He loved the water, hair wet and shirt clinging to him as he would wade out of the ocean, stumbling up onto the bank with a huge smile on his face.

Then, it was easy to see the _real_ Karkat. The one who wouldn’t back down from a chicken fight, the one who would jump off the diving board with such grace and precision that Dave couldn’t look away. The one who’s books always had wet stains, and Dave would joke that they were tears but he knew it was from Karkat, still soaking wet, settling down in the sand to just _enjoy_ being outside, near the water, and alive.

Dave felt like someone slapped him as the puzzle pieces clicked together in his head. Karkat was changing with the weather. The boy he met at the beginning of the summer is the same that knelt before him now. In the summer Karkat was the sunshine, he was the sound of seagulls laughing, and the taste of ice cream.

Now Dave had to figure out what- no, who- Karkat was in the autumn.

“What do you think about this one?” Karkat asked timidly, and it snatched Dave from his thoughts so hard his knees almost buckled. He played it off smoothly, and moved closer to examine the small pumpkin in Karkat was holding up. It fit in his hands nicely, and the color of it was a deep orange.

“Looks good. Are you going to be able to carve it being that small?” Dave asked, showing his much, much larger pumpkin to compare.

“I think i’ll figure it out.” Karkat had a small smile on his face, something that Dave took as a victory.

“Where do you want to carve them?” Karkat asked as they made their way out of the park, continuing down the sidewalk in the same direction they had been heading before this small pitstop.

“My house?” Dave prompted. Karkat just nodded his head in agreement, and for a moment Dave wished his brother wasn’t home.

Sure he loved his brother, but sometimes he liked to embarrass Dave for no reason other than to torture him. And with how skittish Karkat was recently, he really didn’t need his brother fucking this up for him. It was kinda obvious that Karkat, and most of his friends, didn’t really care for his brother, but that was honestly expected at this point. Not a lot of people understood his brother like Dave did.

Bro had ruined more than enough friendships for Dave. Even by association or claiming that the other seven year old wasn’t ‘chill’ enough to hang out with Dave. It was odd, feeling like everyone wasn’t on the same level as him or his brother, always feeling an additional step behind his brother. It bothered Dave, of course, but Bro had proven time and time before that he always knew best. And in the end, Dave trusted that. Despite what all his friends thought.

The worst part about their apartment where the stairs. Climbing them had become easy for Dave, use to it from living here- once again proving his brother right, that he would get stronger from the everyday workout without even having to think about it- but it was obvious how Karkat struggled after a few flights. Dave would purposely stop every so often and wait for the other to catch his breath before moving on. When they passed the stain on the floor, that memory of the first day, his first failure in this new town, it made his heart sink every time. Karkat didn’t even seem to notice it, too focused in not letting go of the handrail and making sure he didn’t eat shit.

He wished the concrete would just go back to normal, but it seemed like the dark splotch would be there forever. Just to mock Dave.  

When they finally made it to the door, Dave made sure to knock and wait to the count of five before entering. It was never a spoken rule, Bro never explicitly told him to do it, but without the older man having a bedroom Dave felt it was better safe than sorry.

It seemed like he wasn’t home, and Dave felt guilty for being grateful. Karkat seemed too invested in taking in the new environment, every detail of the messy living room, to follow Dave as he made his way into the kitchen. They didn’t have a dining table, so the island in the middle of the kitchen would have to do.

He set his pumpkin down and rested his arms for a moment, not realizing just how heavy it was and how tired his arms were until now. He looked around and started cleaning up, random knives and plushies strewn about the counters. Some of the plushies had knives in them, some of the knife's had ripped off bits of stuffie attached to them, white fluff seeping from the wound.

Once the island was cleared off enough for use, he started looking for some carving tools. Daggers and katanas didn’t seem the most efficient, so he started looking for ice cream scoops and smaller, more precise knives.

Should he use a tarp? He heard that carving pumpkins was a pretty messy job, but after a little searching all he could find was a blanket. So instead he gathered the biggest bowl in the house to put the pumpkin guts in, before dragging in two chairs that were no where hear as tall as the counter. He huffed his frustrations, and raised an eyebrow when Karkat made a small snickering sound.

When he looked over the other boy was still stood where he left him, but now turned toward the kitchen. “Having problems?” He asked, a smirk growing on his features.

“Shut up and get in here and help me.” Dave demanded, sitting in one of the chairs to find himself eye level with the counter. That wasn’t going to work.  

Karkat let out a little laugh at seeing Dave in the chair, and sat himself down in the one across from it. Dave couldn’t even see Karkat over the counter, and the loud laugh he made surprised even himself. “You’re so tiny I can’t even see you!”

Karkat made a noise of objection but Dave just ignored it, standing up and moving the chair back and out of the way, Karkat following his lead. Guess they’ll do this standing.

He started with a small knife, looking at the pumpkin unsure of what to do now. Karkat seemed to notice his hesitation and a look of amused confusion crossed his feature, raising an eyebrow and pointing at Dave’s hand, hovering and clutching the knife. “Haven’t you ever carved a pumpkin before?” He asked, seemingly surprised that Dave was faltering.

Dave felt his face heat up, knew he was getting embarrassed, but he tried to shove it down as best he could. “No, I haven’t. Have you?”  He knew he sounded defensive, but he couldn’t help it, it was hard growing up without a lot of the experiences other kids had.

Having to ask your teacher, in front of the whole class, what other people used the refrigerator for been a little scarring.  

Karkat just nodded his head and pulled out his phone. He seemed to find what he was looking for rather quickly and walked around to stand by Dave, propping his phone up on the counter so they could both watch the video that played.

It showed a step by step process of how to carve the pumpkins, and it seemed like the first step was to cut the top off and empty it out. Seemed easy enough.

The next three hours consisted of a lot of looking from their pumpkins to the one in the video, comparing every seemingly easy step they managed to butcher. Dave had decided to turn his pumpkin over and clean it out upside down over the bowl, without realizing how quickly the heaviness would strain his right arm while the other desperately worked to clean out the guts, managing to land a solid thirty percent on the counter.

Karkat had followed along a little better, but skipped the step of tracing his design first. His face was wonky, the eyes were uneven and half of the teeth had already fallen out of the face.

Dave had given his pumpkin some cool glasses to cover up the fact that the eyes were just two holes, he forgot that the pupil still had to connect to the side of the pumpkin and couldn't hang freely in the opening.

They were both covered in the weird smelling goo that was the inside the pumpkins, and he couldn’t wait to shower it all off, but he was dead if Bro came home to this mess. He thought it was a little hypocritical, Bro was the messiest person ever, but he always said that because he paid the bills that this was his house and all of the shit was his. So Dave ran out of ways to argue against that logic. And he didn’t even really like cleaning up all the time anyway, living in organized chaos had its upsides sometimes.

“Do you wanna shower first and i’ll clean this up?” Dave asked Karkat as they stood back to admire their jack o'lanterns. Dave had managed to find some small candles, and the kitchen light had been turned off for dramatic effect. They looked silly sitting together, Dave’s was overly large next to Karkat’s pipsqueak one. The light shining from Dave’s was clear through the mouth, a straight line, but was dimmed through the empty eye sockets covered with the old glasses. Karkat’s looked more like a crackhead, the jagged teeth falling out and broken here or there, the eyes a little uneven and dead looking.

When he turned to look at Karkat he was smiling, the biggest one he’d seen from the other in weeks. It made him feel warm, happy that he was able to cheer Karkat up. He hopped he could keep Karkat this cheery, would do everything in his power to keep this kid as happy as possible.

He was tired of being shut out when the other was sad, so a good solution was to never let him get sad.

Karkat glanced at him, the smile now small but indisputably still there. Even in the way that he glanced around, the air around him had loosened up. “Yeah, okay. Are you sure you don’t need any help?” He asked with some apprehension, but Dave just waved it off.

“Com’on, I'll show you how the shower works.” Dave walked away to his room first, grabbing some sweat pants that would definitely be too tall for the shorter boy, but it had the drawstrings to tighten it around his waist. And plus, he could always just roll up the bottoms. He also found an old shirt and a clean pair of boxers, just in case Karkat wanted them too.

When he returned to the hallway Karkat was gazing into the bathroom, perking up as he noticed Dave who pushed past him. He handed the other the clothes, not watching his suspicious gaze as he scrutinized them, instead looking around for a clean rag. He pointed out the different products, most of them his Bro’s who always had to look the coolest, which took a lot of products.

Once he was sure Karkat knew what he was doing he left for the kitchen, closing the door behind him. It only took him a little while to clean up, dumping the guts into the huge bowl to flush once Karkat got out of the bathroom. The rest was just wiping down the counters and leaving a note explaining to Bro why his shit was displaced.

He heard the bathroom door open again just as he was finishing up. He grabbed the bowl full of mush and turned the lights off again, leaving the jack o'lanterns lit up on the counter. He smiled at them for a moment before moving on down the cluttered hallway. The bathroom was full of steam, but empty of a certain Karkat. He dumped the contents into the toilet a little at a time, flushing it often so it wouldn’t clog up.

When he was finished he made his way to his bedroom, opening the door without a second thought. Karkat was stood in the middle of the room, the only open patch of flooring taken up by his feet. He was facing away from the door, sweatpants hung loose around his waist showing off the curve of his hip bones and the small of his back.

His arms were raised above his head, pulling on the shirt right as Dave opened the door, the muscles in his arms flexing with the motions. His hair was still wet, the water droplets covering his back and dripping down his neck. The shirt was too big on him, his collar bones poking through the opening once it was fully on.

It took a second to realize that Karkat had turned around, that he was looking at Dave with a raised eyebrow. Dave immediately closed the door again, not even thinking about the actions as if he was on autopilot, and made his way back to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and started up the shower for himself.

He got undressed and under the warm spray, starting to wash his hair, the movements automatic and without thought. Instead his mind wandered elsewhere, trying to decipher what the **fuck** just happened.

He saw Karkat without a shirt on. It wasn’t like it had never happened before, he had been around the other while he swam, seen him change into a new and dry shirt. It didn’t make his heart clench like this though, it somehow felt different.

Maybe it was because he was in his room? Well, he’d seen Bro without a shirt on plenty of times around the house, and that wasn’t the same. It never made him unsure, it was just what guys did!

And him and Karkat were _bros_ , best friends, none of this was inherently weird. _He_ was making it weird.

_But why????_

He finished up before he really wanted and just stood until the water grew cold. When he got out the realization that he didn’t bring in any clothes hit him like a truck. He’d have to walk out into his bedroom in nothing but a towel. He’d have to get dressed in front of Karkat.

But why was that weird? Why did that thought make him nervous?

He decided to bite the bullet, and ripped the door open before he could overthink it again. The hallway was dark and quite, the steam from the bathroom bellowing past him, the sudden rush of cold air raising goosebumps on his arms.

He made his way down the cluttered hallway with ease, silently cursing his brother for leaving all of his crap everywhere. When he got to his room the door was open and Karkat was nowhere to be found, and Dave sighed with obvious relief.

He got dressed quickly before starting his search for Karkat. He found him in the doorway of the kitchen, watching the jack o'lanterns flicker with a small smile. He could almost forget the way his heart hammered earlier, how unsure he felt about his own emotions.

Karkat noticed him and turned his smile toward Dave, and it almost took his breath away. The soft light of the candles framed him, and in the low light his face was hard to make out, but the smile was still so clearly there.

“Hey.” The word was just over a whisper, Dave not even sure he heard it until Karkat stepped toward him, Dave taking a step back- purely reflexes, before finding the wall of the hallway behind him all too soon. Karkat smile slipped into something more concerned, and his hand raised from his side like he wanted to touch Dave in some way.

His eyes cast away as he lowered his hand, glancing back at Dave almost shyly from under his lashes. “I just wanted to say… thanks. For today. You really cheered me up.” Karkat mumbled the words, not needing to speak any louder with how close they were, how quiet the apartment was.

Dave was going to have a stroke soon if he kept feeling things this quickly and at this extremity. The overwhelming flood of warmth and giddiness that turned his veins into hot wires felt like it was clawing its way up his neck and onto his face, his ears burning in the chilly stagnant air.

“Y-yeah,” Was all he could think to reply, the only words his brain could process.

“Are you.. Tired?” Karkat asked as he turned his head, eyes finding the digital clock mounted under the tv in the living room. It was nearing nine o'clock, later than what it felt like, and he thought for a moment before replying.

“Not really, but if you wanted to go to sleep I won’t make fun of you. I’ll probably just stay on my computer for a little while,” Dave spoke as he walked back down the hall, Karkat trailing a few steps behind him.

He turned on the lamp behind his computer, it was a dull bulb and wouldn’t hurt their eyes in the late night. Karkat tip-toed around the wires, crumpled articles of clothing, and wadded up balls of paper to his bed, and Dave snickered at the sight.

His laugh made Karkat stop short, shooting him a glare. “I could just step on all of this if you really wanted me to,” He said, motioning to the clutter that covered all of Dave’s floor.

“Go ahead, if it can’t be stepped on then it’s not on the floor,” Was Dave's only reply.

Karkat made it to the bed and immediately flopped down, rolling around in the covers for a minute, moving the pillows and getting situated. It made Dave feel uncomfortable in ways he didn’t really understand, so he turned and booted up his computer.

He checked a few sites, replied to that one thing, and before he knew it an hour and a half passed and his eyes were growing heavy. He shut the computer down and stretched in his chair, swiveling around to check on Karkat.

He was on the side closest to the wall, head on one pillow and curled into another, arms around it and pressing it into his chest, knees pulled up like he was shielding it. The blankets were wrapped so tightly around him that he resembled a burrito, and the thought of having to fight the boy for them made him weary.

He stood and stumbled to his closet, pulling another blanket from his endless supply and returning back to his desk, taking in Karkat’s sleeping form one more time before shutting off the light. He crawled into the bed and turned away from Karkat, picking up a third pillow that had fallen to the floor while the other tossed and turned, and settled down himself.

He dozed off rather quickly, thinking about the day he had spend with Karkat. Thinking about the jack o'lanterns still flickering in the kitchen, the dancing in the movie they had seen. Karkat standing up on that pier, looking so sad and empty. Karkat when he smiled, how pleased he looked in the final hours before bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you find any errors please let me know! Also I LOVE comments! PLEASE COMMENT!!!


	5. The Pound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dog jumps on the glass beside her, it was almost as big as she was, and looking at it made Dave’s heart beat a little faster. He knew, could tell just by looking at it, that it was a sweet dog. It had a big head and huge teeth, its paws were ginormous, it could probably kill him easily enough if it really wanted to. 
> 
> And what was going to stop it? This piece of glass? It’s love for mankind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooooo this is 5000 words long fucking KILL ME
> 
> hope u enjoy
> 
> Also: I got tired of re-reading this constantly, so please let me know if u find any errors like honestly i wont mind at all id be more thankful than offended

He wakes up early to soft darkness and the sound of rain. Coming to complete consciousness always happened in stages, and right now all his hazy brain could process was the gentle breeze coming through the open window, carrying the sound of birdsong and the smell of damp earth.

It was twilight outside, the sun pushing against the horizon but not quite first light. The blinds covering his window would sway every few minutes, knocking against the window sill from the force of the cold air drafting into his room.

It was warm under the blanket, almost too warm, and Dave wanted to kick it to the floor. When he tried to roll over, however, he became suddenly aware of a heavy weight latched onto his side, and he lifted the blanket to find Karkat cuddled up under his arm. His head was resting in the dip where his shoulder connected to his side, one arm thrown over his stomach and a leg tangled with his own.  

His heart skipped a beat and he found himself just...staring at Karkat through the daze of sleep. He was cute, curled into Dave’s side, and he wondered how he hadn’t suffocated in the warmth yet. His face wasn’t completely slack, a pout pulling at his lips, his eyebrows pulled together in the slightest. His eyelashes were long and the freckles that covered the bridge of his nose were missing everywhere else on his face.

Dave let the blanket fall back down over the other, biting his lip and trying to control his thoughts. Why had Karkat decide to cuddle up next to him? Was it for warmth? There was plenty of that under the heavy comforter. Maybe it wasn’t a conscious choice, maybe it just happened.

Did Dave really mind it?

He closes his eyes again– there is still plenty of time before he have to get up, and for now he’s content to enjoy the edge of morning from the comfort of his bed.

He must have dozed again because before he knew it the warm heater tucked safely under his arm was rustling about, shifting and pulling the blanket from on top of his head. He cracked one eye open enough to watch Karkat blink blurrily a few times before glancing around the room.

The sun was out a little more now, the light growing in the room ever so slowly from behind the blinds, which meant he could make out Karkat’s appearance a little better now. He had major bedhead, his raven curls sticking up in every direction, a frown pulling all his features into a pitiful sleepy scowl.

He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands, and Dave was having trouble keeping a smile from forming on his face, the idea that Karkat looked so much like a tired kitten making him want to snicker. Karkat continued to rub his eyes for longer than Dave thought was healthy, and once he was satisfied he stretched and popped his back, using the wall directly behind him for leverage. Dave’s eyes caught how his overly-large shirt lifted a little when he raised his arms, a little bit of his stomach showing until he was done arching.

Karkat stopped glancing around the room, instead just _staring_ at Dave for a moment, eyes scanning the boys face. Dave grew embarrassed quickly, knowing that sooner or later the heat that was bubbling under his skin would show and Karkat would know that he was awake, would call him out for blushing, would know that Dave was aware this whole time.

But before Dave could break, Karkat looked away, running his hands over the sheets and around the bed, grazing Dave’s side in his search, before patting his own pockets. He found what he was looking for, his phone, and scowled at the bright light when he turned it on, and immediately shut it off again.

“Too fucking early.” He heard the other mumble, hand rubbing his tired eyes again. He looked back down to Dave, chewing his lip for a moment, and Dave wondered what Karkat was looking for. Maybe Dave had drooled all over himself and Karkat was planning on making fun of him after they woke up. Or maybe it was because Dave wasn’t wearing his glasses, and Karkat didn’t get to see him often without them.

Karkat reached out and poked Dave in the face, surprising him enough that he flinched and blinked his eyes open a few times before remembering his shades. He sat up and found them, slipping them onto his face before turning to Karkat with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m hungry” Was the ‘good morning, sunshine’ in Karkat’s book, apparently.

Honestly, Dave wanted to be angry at Karkat for ‘waking’ him up, but he couldn’t stop the small grin that spread across his face. “Yeah,” He nodded and shifted the covers off of himself, “Alright, i’ll make you some food.” He stood slowly, stretching out his spine from sleeping on his back. He usually slept on his side, but apparently he couldn’t really do that with a heater cuddling up into his side throughout the night.

He turned back to him and took a minute to take in the others appearance, his usual scowl was present but much cuter at this time of day. He seemed grumpy about being awake in general, eyes squinted and hair a mess.

“I want pancakes.” Karkat’s voice was rougher in the morning, thick with sleep, and the thought of waking up next to him seemed oddly appealing to Dave, now that he could actually experience it.

He could live without Karkat jabbing him in the face then demanding pancakes, though.

Dave nodded wordlessly and stumbled down the hallway and into the bathroom, letting his body run on autopilot as he woke up. He went through the motions of brushing his teeth, but decided he could worry with literally everything else later.

He glanced into the living room, all the lights were off save for the glow of electronics below the TV. His brother was nowhere to be found, and Dave sighed a breath of relief. He moved on into the kitchen and found a note, picking it up and reading it with trepidation.

The handwriting was obviously his brother’s, and the first thing Dave noticed was a fucking _fifty dollar bill_ **_stapled_** to the back of it. There wasn’t one, singular, stapler anywhere to be found in this house, he had never seen one anywhere around here. He dismissed the frustrating inconsistencies he always managed to find between his world and the apparent different one his brother resided within. What else would explain a handwritten note, made on a paper pad he could walk over to his brothers computer and find easily, but the unexplainable staple?

There was no punctuation, and it was honestly composed of words that made sense alone, but crammed into the sentences on the paper made Dave’s head hurt trying to understand it. There was a mention of the ‘sick’ pumpkins on the counter, and a few vulgar words describing him and Karkat sleeping in the same bed.

Dave cringed at the implication that him and Karkat had done anything remotely sexual, and tried to shove the thought as far from his mind as possible. It made his face heat up, his hands jittery, and the process of trying to get his fingernails under the edge of the staple filled him with an uneasy anxiety.

He huffed and decided to use a knife, easily enough, pocketing the bill in his pajama pants and ripping up the note to throw away. He didn't even want to _think_ about Karkat finding that.

He looked around and tried to orientate himself, “What did I come in here for?” he quietly asked himself aloud.

His stomach growled, suddenly reminding him of his venture for food. He started pulling bowls and things from the cabinets, before stopping short, remembering that there was a small chance that they had the ingredients to actually make the pancakes.

Dave opened the fridge and, sure enough, there were no eggs or milk. He sighed and closed the door again, debating about how to go about this.

A large thump sounded down the hallway, and Dave jumped in his skin, padding across the tiles and gazing down the dark hallway. “C’om man, ain't nothin’ scary ‘bout the dark.” He spoke underneath his breath, trying to hype himself enough to venture toward the noise.

There was a lot of rustling, some grunting, and Dave was getting worried. Maybe a crow got in through the window again? No, it made too much noise, the flapping of wings and such. Did some other kind of animal get in? Was it attacking Karkat? No way, Karkat is way too loud to be attacked by anything and not scream his head off.

Maybe it was his brother?

The mental image of his brother and Karkat being in the same room flashed through his mind, of his Bro intimidating him, of a sword being pointed at Karkat, and before he could even think about it his feet were taking him down the hallway and pushing open his door.

Karkat was face first on the floor, the sheets tangled around his legs and sprawled limbs thrown here and there. It was obvious that he has fallen from the bed, some of the blankets still clinging to the mattress, and he let out a loud groan as Dave opened the door.

He couldn’t help but chuckle, leaning against the frame, waiting to see how long the groan would last. It was impressive, it sounded like Karkat didn’t even breath as the continuous moan only grew in volume. He started flailing his arms around, half heartedly and tantrum like, and Dave caved, walking over a kneeling amongst the wires.

“Doin’ alright there?” Dave asked, amused greatly. His reply was another groan, Karkat finally turning his head to squint up at Dave.

“I fell.”

“I can see that.”

“Where are my pancakes?” Karkat asked, demanding as always.

Dave thought for a moment, not quick to admitting that they never had any real food in the apartment. He had spent the last of his money on the pumpkins the night before, suddenly regretting the offer to take the kid to the movies. Then he remembered the fifty dollars resting in his pocket, the thought followed with the realization that if he hadn't invited Karkat to the movies, none of this might have happened.

“Well… I reckon’ if you get up we’ll go get some.”

This made Karkat pick his head up, finally, and give Dave a suspicious look. “Go… get some?” He asked, skeptically.

Dave nodded, a smile growing that he had to force down, “Yup. But only if you get up soon, or i’ll leave without ‘cha.”

The scowl Karkat sent his way was priceless, and Dave started looking around for clothes. He left the other boy on the floor when he made his way to the bathroom, getting dressed and brushing his hair, doing the small tedious things that come along with putting himself together every morning. The constant thumping around and muffled curses made him rush a bit, dreading going back into his room and finding whatever thing Karkat had managed to break.

He knocked this time, waiting for the “It’s your room, dipshit,” reply before pushing the door open. He found Karkat rummaging through his closet, an uneasy feeling in his stomach rising, “What’s with all the crazy lighting and-”

“Get out of there.” Dave spoke quickly, crossing the room an a few strides and getting between Karkat and the closet. He realized that was probably weird, and now Karkat was judging him, wondering what was in there even more, he would push the issue, Dave would have to explain why this small blue-lit room was the only place that felt like _his_ , where no one else would ever find him, that it was **_his_ **.  

Karkat only put his hands up, glancing behind him to make sure he wouldn’t trip as he took a step back. “Woah, okay, I was just looking for a shirt.” Karkat seemed uneasy, and Dave didn’t know what to do, how to react. “It looked cool, though.” He pressed.

“A shirt?” Dave asked, confusion pulling at his features.

“Yeah, you said you’d leave me so I’ve been looking around for a clean shirt! Did you expect me to wear this?!” He motions toward what he slept in, then toward a small pile at the foot of the bed, his own clothes that he had worn yesterday.

Dave nodded slowly as he processed this, trying to get his thoughts back in order. “Most of my clothes will be too big on ya’” He walked over to the desk by the window, looking through the small assortment of clothes on top of the plywood surface, ones that he had been too lazy to hang up after taking them out of the dryer.

“Most of the clothes I wear are two sizes too big anyway,” Karkat tried to supply, walking over and standing next to Dave, “And it won’t kill me to wear the same pants two days in a row.” He reached into the pile and pulled out a simple long sleeve t-shirt that Dave hadn’t worn in a long time, one with a red heart on the front. It had been his favorite when he was younger, despite the heat, until he outgrew it. For a small moment he wondered how it had gotten into the pile, knowing that he didn’t wash it, why would he? It’s not like he could even fit into it anymore, his shoulders were too broad and it was too short, he thought it had been in a box somewhere from the move-

His train of thought was derailed when Karkat shrugged off the sleep shirt, fidgeting with the one in his hands before pulling it on over is head. Dave forced himself to look away from behind his shades, not wanting to seem creepy for staring at his friend while he changed shirts. Was that weird? Guys changed in front of each other all the time, it’s locker room etiquette 101. Swinging dicks at each other and high-fiving over rape story's. Okay, maybe not that exactly, but Dave got the general idea that he really shouldn’t be _this_ uncomfortable when Karkat obviously had no problem at the moment, other than turning away.  

Karkat took a step back and examined himself, raising his arms a few times, stretching this way and that, before finally seemingly satisfied enough to turn his attention back to Dave. “This is mine now.” He spoke very matter-of-factually.

Dave was speechless. It fit Karkat, for the most part, the grey of the shirt looked nice against his tan skin. The sleeves had elastic in the ends, worn out but still functional, and it helped them from slipping over his hands, and the neck was just big enough that it could slip off of one shoulder a bit if he wasn’t paying enough attention.

Dave just nodded weakly, and Karkat seemed to accept that and grabbed his pants, taking off the sweatpants Dave had loaned him. Dave’s face flushed when he caught a glance, trying his hardest not to notice his friend changing, not to look, but his eyes betrayed him and Karkat was _wearing his boxers_. They were a bit too big on him, but he pulled his pants on easily enough.

He left the room, leaving Dave standing where he had been glued to the floor since walking over to the table.

He needed to get his shit together. Needed to find all of his little shit pieces, collect them all into a pile, and sort through them. Maybe by color, or size, or how easily he could deal with it. He just needed to sit down, soon, very soon, and get his shit in order. Organized. Coordinated.

Karkat re-entered the room and gave Dave a strange look. His hair was a little bit more tame, still as curly and fluffy as always, but the frizziness of the bedhead was gone.

“You.. doing okay there?” Karkat asked.

Dave nodded, “I reckon.”

They stood there for a long moment, Karkat seemingly not believing him but brushed it aside anyway. “Do you have a extra toothbrush I can use? And deodorant? We should have thought this sleepover a little bit more thoroughly.”  

It felt like whatever spell that had been cast over him was suddenly lifted, a smile sneaking onto his face as he nodded, “Yeah, you can use my deodorant, and i’ll rummage around for a toothbrush,” He easily found the stick and passed it to Karkat, who applied it as he followed the other toward the bathroom.

Dave searched and managed to find one still in the package in the cabinet behind the mirror, maneuvering around Karkat in some sort of dance so he could leave and the other could enter, but with how small the hallway and bathroom were it was a little difficult.

He kept catching himself sneaking glances of his friend with a dopey smile on his face, but Karkat didn’t seem to notice, or if he did ne never called Dave out for it. He wouldn’t be objected to spending most mornings like this, with someone else to help occupy the small space.   


* * *

 

“I still can’t believe you thought Waffle-House had pancakes.” Karkat spoke, pushing a door that obviously had “PULL” posted over the handle.

“Shut the fuck up.” Dave said for probably the hundredth time, trying to hold back a smile as he watched Karkat bump into the door, as if he expected it to open, before taking a step back and looking at it bewildered.

Dave brushed past him and grabbed the handle, pulling the door open and making a sweeping gesture, bending at the waist as he motions his arm in a wide arch, as dramatic as possible. Karkat shoves him and walks in, stopping just in the door to look around for anyone they knew.

They find Nepeta easily enough, she’s behind a glass wall with a large dog, repeating phrases and giving out treats when the animal complies. They wait for a moment until she notices them, a wide grin immediately splitting her features as she rushes to greet them.

“Hey guys!” Her voice is muffled from where she’s pressing her face into the glass, and Dave couldn’t help the snicker from escaping.

Karkat seemed unimpressed, but a small smile pulling at the corner of his mouth showed just how amused he was at her antics. “Hey, Nep.”

The dog jumps on the glass beside her, it was almost as big as she was, and looking at it made Dave’s heart beat a little faster. He knew, could tell just by looking at it, that it was a sweet dog. It had a big head and huge teeth, its paws were ginormous, it could probably kill him easily enough if it really wanted to.

And what was going to stop it? This piece of glass? It’s love for mankind?

He looked away, tore his eyes from the massive beast, and scanned the room instead. The door wasn't too far away, but with it swinging toward the outside, a dog could just bump it open if it wasn’t locked. Could he outrun a dog? All the way to his house?

He looked down at his worn sneakers, twisting them this way and that so he could get a good look at the soles and stitching. They were too old. He would be caught instantly.

The bell above the door chimed, ripping Dave from his thoughts, just enough to watch another massive dog walk in with a young girl. She couldn’t be older than eleven, and the dog was almost taller than her. “Sit!” She said instantly inside the door, the dog obeying and sitting down, blocking anyone else that might try to come or go.

He watched as she went up to the counter, chatting with a worker, before his eyes wandered back to the dog. It was looking right at him, staring into his soul, and Dave felt his blood run cold.

“Dave?” The voice made him snap his head around, looking down at Karkat from where they stood side by side. He glanced behind them, seeing Nepeta back at work with the dog, before centering his attention on the dog before them, the one with no glass protecting them from.

“You.. okay?” Karkat asks again, leaning into his peripherals as he stared at the others face.

Dave could only nod mutely, knowing that Karkat wouldn’t understand. Karkat couldn’t see how these animals could turn on a dime, sure they were cuddly and cute now, but what happens when a steak comes into play? Or their own flesh? The smell of blood?

“Nep said that she had a few more minutes with Woofie Goldberg before she can show us around.” Karkat said, eyes glancing between Dave and the dog he couldn’t look away from.

Dave nodded again, watching the little girl wrap up her conversation before turning back toward her mutt. It wagged its tail when it noticed her eyes on it, and when she motioned the dog stood and trotted after her, a door swinging closed behind them.

As he watched them leave he felt the tension in his shoulders loosen, felt this vice around his chest ease. He didn’t notice just how on edge the animals made him, and decided to make a conscious effort to not freak the fuck out for once. Just this once. He needed to keep his cool, play the chill, stay low and easy.

They spent a few more minutes watching Nepeta play with the puppy before Karkat grew bored of watching her say “Paw!” Only for the dog to roll over and still expect a treat. They moved on, looking in other glass enclosed rooms where other trainers worked with other animals, until they migrated easily into the reptile area.

It was warm and slightly humid in the large room, tanks lining every wall and a few resting on tables in the middle of the room. Karkat seemed to scan the room and be content, but Dave wanted to go from tank to tank, standing there and staring at the animal enclosed for a few minutes before moving on to the next. There were lizards and really big lizards that probably weren't actual lizards. Snakes that looked cool, if not terrifying, as fuck. Something scaly that he had no idea what it was, looking around for a plaque, only finding his name and last feeding time posted on his cage.

His name was Toaster.

Something bubbled up in Dave, an obnoxious laughter that he realized too late he could stifle. It felt choked coming from his mouth, his stomach instantly cramping up at the sheer force of the laugh escaping him. It lasted longer than he wanted, it just kept coming, and even when he tried to hold his breath it would over power him. It buckled his knees, making him kneel on the floor while clutching his chest, praying between the pressure pushing behind his eyes that he wouldn't start crying.

When the laughter calmed he felt oddly disconnected from his surrounding, blearily blinking around the room while he tried to piece together what his name was. He found Karkat a few steps away, an obvious look of concern on his face, if not the smallest amount of amusement.

“What’s so funny?”

Dave stood again, a little shaky, and pointed at the cage. “His name.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow, making no move to walk forward and read it for himself.

“It’s Toaster. This giant sack of scales, it’s name is Toaster.”

Karkat seemed wholly unamused.

Nepeta found them a while later, hunched over a tank and cooing at the tiniest doe-eyed baby lizard in the existence of forever.

“I’ll show you guys the cat room, it’s my favorite!” She spoke over her shoulder and she led them down a hallway, finding a glass door and unlocking it with a set of keys attached to her hip. Inside were some floor to ceiling shelf looking units, with separate cubbyholes for each cat. The ones toward the top were void of kitty's, instead the cage doors were open and supplies were on the verge of falling out.

Dave, being the tallest, had to watch out for the metal doors, ignoring the snicker from Karkat when he ducked under one. Karkat blabbered with Nepeta about their names, personalities, what toys they liked best, a bunch of useless information to fill the time if you asked Dave. Although neither of them did.

Karkat immediately found a huge orange tabby cat, the fattest cat he’d ever seen, and seemed infatuated. He begged Nepeta to let him hold it, and watching her effortlessly pull it from the cage seemed to trick Karkat into thinking he wasn't as heavy as he looked. But once it reached Karkat's arms he almost dropped it, choosing to sit on the floor with it in his lap.

They learned that his name was Chester, and he had a problem where he didn’t know when he was full. They had him on a strict diet, but somehow he still managed to gain weight. Through the whole discussion Karkat seemed to get more and more choked up.

Nepeta was paged and left the room, promising to come back soon, leaving them to themselves, plus Chester. Once she left the room Karkat let out a long shuttery breath, and Dave suddenly noticed that he was close to crying.

“Dude, are you okay?” He asked, sitting up from where he was teasing another cat with a toy through the bars of its cage.

Karkat coughed before replying, “Yeah, fine,” and his voice sounded like the opposite of fine. He sniffed loudly, finally pausing his double handed petting to wipe his eyes.

“Are you crying over a cat?”

“No!”

“Really? Because it seems a lot like you are.”

Karkat replied in almost a whisper, gazing down at the furry animal in his lap. “He doesn’t know when to stop eating.”

Nepeta rushed into the room, swooping the cat from Karkat’s lap and returning him to his cage before he could get a word of objection in. “You guys need to get up.” She spoke quickly, glancing out of the glass door toward the hallway.

They both stood, and without any warning Nepeta left the room again. Karkat looked at Dave, raising an as if silently asking ‘what the fuck is going on?’

The door immediately opened again, Nep sticking her head in and scowling at them. “Follow me!” She hissed quietly.

She lead them all the way down the hallway, “My boss is doing rounds and it’s not visiting time for the cats yet, so i’m going to let you guys into the yard until he goes away, i’ll be back soon I promise.” They approached a door and she pushed it open, practically shoving the both of them through the doorway before shutting it behind them.

The stood there for a moment, staring at the door in bewilderment.

“The cats have a visiting time?” Karkat asked under his breath.

A bark behind them made them turn around, and Dave’s entire brain seized up in that one moment.

The yard was a fenced in area with a few trees and a lot of grass. It was filled with play-sets and training courses, and the huge dogs that occupied the area were joyfully running around.

There were so many. They were so big. They were fenced in, and Dave isn’t entirely confident he could scale it in time.

Karkat was practically buzzing beside him, taking a few steps forward and screaming at the top of his lungs, “PUPPY'S!!”

Dave didn’t think any of them were small enough to be a puppy.

Of course this gained the attention of literally every single dog, and as they ran toward the both of them Karkat stepped forward and Dave’s back hit the door behind him. He tried the knob without turning around, unsurprised that it was locked.

They were going to protect their territory, they would bite, snarl. Karkat had open arms, he would go down first, what if they got to his neck? He wouldn’t recover, the door was locked, how long before Nepeta returned and find them ripped to shreds?

They all crowded around Karkat, who was trying to coo and pet every single one of them. As he walked through the crowd the dogs entire body shook with the force of their wagging, and as he bumped into them they would stumble out of the way as if they’d been knocked over by a truck.

He could hear him mumble to the dogs, “Move, move please, aren't you cute, why hello how are you,” and other such nonsense.

His heart slowly calmed, and he noticed a few smaller dogs. They weren't mean. They weren't biting. No growling.

He let himself slid down the door, sitting in the dirt and watching the spectacle from afar.

After some amount of time a small dog noticed him, walking up timidly with it’s head down. It got a few feet away and started to crawl toward Dave, looking up with wide eyes. He reached out to it, trying not to think about it, and he watched it immediately start to wag its tail as it dragged itself closer.

He pet it for a minute before it crawled into his lap. He froze, a knot forming in his throat, and he couldn’t understand why. This was the smallest dog, with kind eyes and a timid attitude. He should be okay with this, he shouldn't be scared. Why was he so nervous? Why couldn’t he just get over it? Just get over it.

Nepeta returned soon enough, surprising Dave when the door behind him suddenly swung away from him.

“Sorry I had to ditch you guys like that, i’ll make it up to you soo-”

“What time is the cat visiting hours?” Karkat immediately cut her off.

Dave smiled to himself. He looked over to the tiny dog and his smile grew just a little bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS I NEED VALIDATION


	6. PTSD: No, please, not again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did I say you could go?” Bro asks in a low voice, leaning down to Dave’s level to look at him over the rim of his glasses, orange eyes dim from the alcohol. “What if I want you here, spending time with my little bro?” He reaches out and takes Dave by the shoulder, sliding his hand up and around his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
> ITS BEEN MONTHS IM SO SORRY 
> 
> I've been in a really bad place and trying to force myself to write just doesn't work, so if this chapter is shit please, please let me know and i'll try again with it. This is the fourth time i've written it and honestly i'm tired of hating it so here it is. 
> 
> WARNING!!!!! THIS CHAPTER IS KINDA BAD SO READ AT OWN RISK

“Come on man, you have no clue what you’re talking about.” Karkat’s voice crackles from the speaker on Dave’s phone. 

“Oh please, I know more about this shit than you do. Imagine you knowing more about me on this particular topic, what a riot, like that could ever possibly happen in the existence of forever. When, ever, in the space time continuum could you even fathom the amount of knowledge I have in this smart ass brain of mine, the momentous file system of information that I could sypher through in an instant-” Dave’s snarky and pretentious rant was cut short by Karkat’s screaming, half the words cut out as if the speaker couldn't handle his sheer volume. 

“YOU DON’T EVEN GOD DAMN LIKE WILL FUCKING SMITH!!!” He sounded wound up and annoyed, and a small thump followed by shuffling told Dave that he threw whatever it was in his hands down in anger before immediately regretting it. 

Dave only snickered and closed the wiki page for the actor, glancing around his room for something to occupy him. His eyes landed on his turntables and he stood to walk over to them, flicking the ‘on’ switch and watching the records spin slowly with the lights flickering. 

Karkat scoffed mutley through the phone, a sharp sound of paper on paper as he flipped a page in whatever nonsense he was reading this time. They sat in a comfortable simi-silence, only filled with the noise of Dave playing with his tracks, the volume low so he could hear if Karkat said anything. 

He meandered around the cords in his room aimlessly, obnoxious footwork to the beat of whatever it was that was playing. It had no purpose, and he knew if Bro walked in on him in his not-so-dance he would hear about it for months. But something about almost falling but saving himself made him want to keep going, the way he could feel the next step before he took it. 

He stepped on a notebook before picking it up, flipping through it found some of his raps that looked more like poems than anything, some of them nonsense words that rhyme and some of them coherent thoughts, very few things that could actually be worked into something. 

He closed it and sighed, tossing it next to his phone. “Doing okay other there?” Karkat’s crackled voice asked. 

“Peachy.” Dave replied. He took a moment to stand in the middle of his room and take in the moment, the music low in the background, the odd feeling of wanting to move with it. He suddenly remembered the movie they saw weeks ago, and the same feeling he got then. It kinda creeped him out for reasons he didn't understand, so he shook himself off and decided to switch gears. 

He struggles to wheel his chair over the wires on the floor toward the equipment before plopping down, opening the book and gnawing on the end of a pen. 

“Have you realized yet?   
That your feelings are not your own?   
That nothing is deeper than the void of when your alone,   
the weight of emptiness on your chest.”

His pen scratched as he spoke, trying not to think about what he was saying, just feeling out the beat and letting it flow naturally. He’d end up scrapping it like always, never satisfied with them, unlike how he boasted about them often.    
  
“Happiness;   
not in moments of solitary,   
content of your own heartbreak,   
your own breaths;   
but only experienced,   
never felt,   
in the company of another.   
Will you ever learn to be alone?”

Dave frowned to himself, flipping back through a few pages and skimming over them. 

  
“Why can't you make up your mind?   
You dislike people,   
hate conversation,   
feel out of place in the presence of anyone less than acquaintance.   
And yet without them you slip,   
one hand on the wall of your own mind,   
the other reaching as far as you can reach.”

He scratched through the last few lines, growing frustrated, the beat was fast and his words sounded so out of place in the rhythm of it. He needed to find some chiller lyrics, something less depressing. He flipping through some more pages, letting the beat run in the background.    
  
“The dependency,   
the inability to make any decision,   
the panic and the sorrow will never unfurl its grasp around your throat,   
the knot that keeps you from speaking,   
that forces tears from your eyes,   
that everyone precedes as weakness not struggle. “

The idea popped into his head and he leaned forward, slowing the speed of the track as a whole. It sounded nice, the low basses were easy to follow with the tap of a foot, not needing the metronome anymore, he shut it off.    
  
“It is in vain.   
No one will understand,   
as you will never understand them.   
They battle a creature, wielding daggers and torches to protect themselves,  
just as you do.   
They will build a translucent wall,   
a glass shield around themselves to keep others out,   
just as you do.”

He focused back on the beat, flipping to a blank page and trying to write as fast as his brain spit out the words. He tries not to think about them too hard, tries to let them form and,

  
“Haven't you noticed?   
No one is truly happy.   
No one enjoys to live,  
no one wakes up in the morning energized and ready.   
Normalize the trials until convincing yourself that everyone is the same.   
That everyone is as suffocatingly buried as you are,   
resents the burden of existing as you do. “

He looked down at the paper in his hands, re-reading the words scrawled haphazardly on the paper, growing more and more uncomfortable the further he reads. He rips the paper out of the binding, crumpling it up and tossing it across the room. 

“Did you just rip that up?” Karkat’s voice is muffled through the speaker and Dave rolls his eyes at the question. 

“Yeah, why?” He knew he sounded defensive but he couldn't help it. He probably wouldn't have read any of that if he had remembered he was in the call, he needed to get a grip. 

“It was good!” Karkat almost sounds angry, the adudasidity that Dave could critique and edit his own work when it’s as shit as this. 

“Thanks but whatever,” Was the only way Dave could think to reply, knowing his voice must have some kind of hard edge to it, knowing he sounded angry for no reason. He needed to get a grip on his emotions, needed to reel it in before he was upset about literally nothing. It’s nothing. 

Karkat didn’t say anything back and they sat in a silence this side of comfortable for a while, Dave messing with the track that really didn't need messing with, the sound of paper on paper interrupting every few minutes through the speaker on his phone. 

The phone made an odd noise, a rumble that wasn’t a text, before he heard Karkat shift and the speaker crackle. “Terezi and John want to know if we want to hang out.” He spoke like he was tired, words drawn out like he was focusing on something else. 

“Us? How do they know we’re talking?” Dave asked, head tilting to the side. 

“Terezi knows everything, I’ve stopped questioning it.” 

“True.” 

“So?” 

“So, what?” 

“Do you want to hang out with them? I think they’re with the whole gang, or at least a few of them. The park.” 

Dave thought for a moment. Sure, he was kinda bored, but he was used to his room and knew he could entertain himself if he needed. But did he really want to? He could go chill and let other people entertain him, he had friends, they wanted to see him. Well, they wanted to see Karkat, he was a plus one to this party. 

“Yeah, sure.” Dave says after a beat of silence, hearing the tapping of Karkat as he responded to whoever it was that was messaging him. 

He already had his shoes on, and he didn’t think he’d need anything else, so he grabbed his phone and shut off all the electronics, watching the tables slowly stop spinning and the lights flicker off. 

“I’m going to get past Bro, then i’ll call you back, okay?” Dave said into the mic, putting the phone off speaker and holding it up to his face. 

“Yeah sure, just be quick, you know that guy gives me the creeps.” Karkat’s voice was clearer this way, and Dave couldn’t help but smile at the sound of it. 

“Yeah, okay.” He hung up and left his room, closing the door behind him and making his way through the apartment, sweeping everywhere with a glance, checking the shadows just in case. 

Bro sat in the living room, arm slung over the back of the arm rest like always, a beer in one hand and the remote in his lap.  

“And where do you think you’re going?” Bro asked without even turning around. 

“Out, with friends.” Dave answered as nonchalantly as possible. 

Bro said nothing and Dave kept walking, go to the door, and before he could open it Bro was standing in front of him in a flash. It was terrifying how fast he could move sometimes, he taught Dave everything he knew about getting around light on his feet. 

“Did I say you could go?” Bro asks in a low voice, leaning down to Dave’s level to look at him over the rim of his glasses, orange eyes dim from the alcohol. “What if I want you here, spending time with my little bro?” He reaches out and takes Dave by the shoulder, sliding his hand slowly up and around his neck. 

Dave feels his breath become short, panic forming a knot under his brothers hand. 

Suddenly the hand and the warm presence is gone, and when Dave blinks bro is back on the couch like he never moved. “Go out, I dont give a fuck. Maybe one day you’ll want to spend some time with your big brother.” 

Dave sucks in a breath and snatchs open the door, slamming it behind him and bolting down the stairs. Fuck, that was a close one. 

* * *

 

“Com’on now Dave, you know this ain't that hard.” Bro’s low and southern voice blows across the roof with the breeze. 

Dave can't breathe. 

“Just get up. Get up. It ain't that hard, boy.”

Dave can't move. Why can't he move? 

“Fine. If you wanna pussy out then fucking lay down and die.” 

He can hear the footsteps come closer, he can't breathe, he knows what's about to happen. 

“You asked for this.” 

He needs to roll over, dodge the swing of a blade that's sure to hit him. 

“I tried to help you get stronger, but all you are is weak.”

He can hear it cut the air, feel it slice into his flesh, the burning of the sharp blade made him scream in pain. 

“That’s right little piggy, squeal. It’s all you're good for, apparently.” 

The voice of someone else breaks through the black swimming in Dave’s vision,  “Dave? Dave, you're okay.”

He didn’t feel okay, he felt like he was going to suffocate, like the blade stuck in his back may never leave, that he’ll bleed out and die on this rooftop. 

“Dave, c'om no one here wants to hurt you. We're all okay, you're okay.”

Dave got a good gasp of air, felt like the vice around his chest was weakening, the tears in his eyes finally fell allowing him to blurry blink down at the ground. 

Dirt. 

He wasn’t on the roof, he was on the ground. 

Then someone yelled, screamed, “Give us some space you animals!” And just like that everything was bad again, the feeling of being choked returned, gasping for air was all he could do, the tears felt hot against his face where they slid down his face and dripped off his chin into the earth below him. 

He sucked in a breath of air, desperately, trying to breathe but he just couldn’t, couldn't force his own body to do the one thing it needed to live. He was going to hyperventilate, he was going to die. 

“No, Dave, listen I need you to breath okay?” He was trying! Don’t you think he was? He couldn’t, can’t, body unable, unwilling. Please help! He can't breathe, someone  _ help _ !

Then he realized the smooth weight of someone's hand on his back, “Breath with me, in and out. In and out.”

He focused all of his being on the weight, on the kind hand on his back, of the proof that there was no blade, no sword embedded in him. Slowly he could breathe again, slowly the blackness in his vision loosened. 

“Dave?” He lifted his head and glanced to the side, seeing Karkat sitting beside him. Just Karkat. 

Yes? 

“Alright so, I'm just going to put this out there. You and John were being idiots like always; you get decked the fuck out, I mean like slammed dunked, your ass hit the ground hard; and then you start acting weird like we're all about to jump you and beat the shit out of you. All I'm asking is: what the fuck?”

A laugh bubbles out of Dave before he can stop it, it hurts his insides after hyperventilating for so long, but he doesn’t fight it. He fidgets with his hair and glasses, nervous after knowing what just happened. 

Maybe he could just play it off. He had to at least try, it was the only thing he could think of to do. he just wanted this situation to go away. 

“I guess I just know when to back out of a fight.”

He had one of his freakouts, in public. Everyone saw. They knew just how broken he was now, it wasn’t just a silly fear of water that made him weird, this was a whole new level. 

“No, you don't get to do that,” Karkat sounds angry, “You can't act like that and scare all of us, hell John is over there about to cry because he thought he really hurt you,”  _ Fuck _ , John, he completely forgot about John. He must be freaked out, Dave would have to explain this later and he really really didn't want to. 

“You can't just act like that was all some sort of joke. This isn't your 'irony' thing, I know you by now. This is like the water.” Karkat’s voice was tense like he was holding in something heavy. 

Everyone saw. Everyone knows now, he can't hide the freak he is anymore. Dave felt himself tense up. He was broken. Useless. No one would see him the same now, no one would look at him the way they did before. 

“Something just fucking happened and I demand an explanation so I know how to handle it next time.”

Maybe they all hate him now, they think he's weird and broken. 

He feels broken. 

He feels **angry** . 

_ How could you let this happen? _ He asks himself. 

“Okay, first of all: fuck you. I don't have to explain shit to you, and this won't happen again. And second of all: it's- it's nothing.” He can feel the blood drying on his skin and he hates it, needs it to be gone. He scrubs with his sleeve trying to rid himself of the flaky red layer that formed beneath his nose. 

At least his glasses didn’t break or fall off. 

Karkat shifts and gets on his knees, scoots closer to Dave and grabs his face in one hand. He starts to scrub where Dave had, leaning in so close his breath brushed Dave’s lips. Dave couldn’t breathe again, but in a completely different way. 

Karkat was so close, a concentrated look on his face as he licked his thumb and wiped it against his chin; Dave’s eyes focused on the movement of his tongue against his thumb, where the moisture remained against his lip. It was mesmerizing in the weirdest way. 

His eyes took the time to study Karkat’s face, his bushy eyebrows, the way they pulled in as he focused on scrubbing Dave’s face. His lips were parted slightly, breath ghosting against Dave’s face with just how close they sat. His eyes were pretty and grey like always, except at this proximity Dave could see a hint of blue around the edges of the grey. 

They were beautiful. 

Dave never thought he’d think another guy's eyes were beautiful. 

“Dave?” 

He blinked and swallowed. “Sorry- you just- I uh-” He knew he was scrambling for something, anything to say that wasn’t stupid. “You have  _ blue _ in your eyes.”

Fucking great, totally not stupid strider, great job, fuck. 

“What?” Karkat asked, sounding confused. “Yeah, I do. Why is that so important?” 

Dave held up his hands in surrender, Karkat leaning back slightly.   
  
“Nah man it wasn't like an insult or anything, it's more of uh- observation. I just never noticed is all. It's surprising.”

  
“You’re fucking weird. And this isn't a way for you to get out of explaining whatever it is just happened.” Karkat sat back and stood, lending a hand to help Dave stand as well, “I'll make you explain all this weird shit about you one of these days. Mark my words, Strider.”   
  
Dave chuckled and accepted his hand, pulling himself to his feet with Karkat as an anchor. “Yeah yeah, in your dreams.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please for the love of god comment i need it so badly


	7. Understanding Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat laughs at this, throwing his head back and slinging water droplets into the sea around him. Dave's eyes catch his throat, trying to ignore how the image is burned there even when he blinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one week??? after months of not posting?? WACK

“What do you mean Karkat isn't here?” Dave asked bewildered, looking at Karkat’s empty seat.

“He wasn't in third period, so he must not be here.” Terezi replied, sticking a sporkful of school lunch glob in her mouth. It was supposed to be shepards pie, something Dave thought was southern but apparently they had it here too.

Sollux just nodded, confirming that Karkat wasn’t in the period they shared either. Well, fuck.

“Has anyone seen him?” He asks, looking down the long table that sat all their friends. Some shook their heads and other just continued with their conversation, unnoticed of the crisis growing.

“Fuck.” Dave says as he sits down with his tray, opting for a chicken sandwich instead of whatever slop was in the main line. Fuck that shit.

“How do you even eat that,” Sollux asks Terezi, who smiles through a biteful.

“Natural selection will kill all of you,” Is her reply.

“Right, because I won't eat cafeteria mess I’m going to die first.” His voice was full of sarcasm.

“Guys, this is serious, Karkat is missing.” Dave tries to remind them of what's important.

“He probably stayed up too late reading or watching movies again, the fucking nerd.” Sollux supplies.

“Yeah, but he would still come. Tired and grouchy is his usual at this point.” Dave tries, and Terezi nods at this.

“Okay, so what are you going to do?” Terezi asks.

“Guess i’ll have to go fucking find him, wherever he is. “ Dave said with a sour tone, unhappy with this new development.

By sixth period Dave was fed up with worrying, unable to focus on any of his work, too busy wondering where the fuck Karkat managed to get off too. He packed up his shit and left the building between periods when the halls were crowded and he was less likely to get caught. Where he was from no one cared about kids skipping, but here the school was like a prison, you weren't even allowed outside.

He checked Karkat's house first, knocking on the door before letting himself in. No one in this town seemed to lock their fucking door. Nobody was home, no car in the driveway meant his dad was at work and his older brother should be at school. He checked Karkat’s bedroom, the first time he’d ever seen more than a glance.

He opened the door and caught a glimpse like he always did, “Karkat?” He asked before pushing the door all the way open. He had poster along the walls, most of movies he didn’t recognize, one of literally just Will Smith. Dave felt a bark of laughter force itself from his chest, and it hurt enough for him to cough afterward.

He shook his head and moved on, finding the kids computer and the shelf of cds and books next to it. He had little knick knacks along the empty space where there were no books, and he wondered the stories behind them. One shelf was dedicated to sea shells entirely, and it made Dave smile, the shells pretty and obviously placed with care.

Dave suddenly realized he probably shouldn't be snooping in Karkat’s room without him, so he let himself out of the house and stood on the sidewalk for a while.

 _Where would he be?_ He asked himself.

Suddenly an idea struck him, but he knew it was still too cold to swim. Couldn't hurt to check though.

The walk to the beach was long and boring without anyone to talk to, but he got there eventually and spotted Karkat’s shoes next to the entrance. “Gotcha,” he said, mostly to himself.

Karkat’s a little ways off shore, just floating there. The sun high in the air, reflecting off of the water and making Dave hold up a hand to his forehead in order to block it. The seagulls weren't as noisy today, far off distant cries barely hearable over the loud roar of the waves crashing up and down the bank.

“Hey asshole!” He yelled, as loud as he could. Karkat scrambles in the water slightly before wading back to shore, coming close enough to talk without actually getting out of the water, kneeling on the bottom with the water covering his chest. All that showed were his collarbones, hair dripping over his ears and face as he smiled brightly at Dave.

“Hey! Waters kinda cold, but fine. Come on in!”

“You had us all fucking worried as dicks, bro!” Dave yells back, watching a particularly large wave knock Karkat off balance before laughing.

He regains his balance, soaked again, “Why the fuck were you guys worried about me? Clearly I'm fine.” He waves his arms around as if to prove his point. Idiot.

Dave's smiling before he knows it, “Whatever, asshole. Get the fuck out already.”

“No! Why should I?”

“It's way too cold!”

“So!”

“You really are just an asshole.”

Karkat laughs at this, throwing his head back and slinging water droplets into the sea around him. Dave's eyes catch his throat, trying to ignore how the image is burned there even when he blinks.

“Yeah I know,” He beams at Dave, the happiest he's been in a while and Dave could tell.

It just makes him smile back, “I'm fucking serious, get out.”

“Make me!”

“Oh, you do not want to play this game with me mister!”

“And what if I do?” Karkat is wearing a shit eating grin, knowing full and well Dave is bluffing.

“I'll call your dad and tell him you skipped.” Dave shoots back. He's bluffing.

“No! You would not!” Now Karkat is standing and making his way out of the water, splashing up to Dave in a hurry.

“Don't get me wet!” Dave cries. Karkat laughs before slowing down, walking up to Dave on the white sand, dirtying his feet.

“Okay, okay.” Karkat is smiling, and Dave realizes that he missed that.

It makes him feel weird. He blinks, sees Karkat behind his eyes, opens them to his smiling face.

Something was weird.

“My bag is over here.” Karkat walks past him, further up the beach toward a blanket and backpack Dave had missed when he walked in.

He follows a few paces back, feeling lost somehow. What happened?

Maybe he could just ignore it.

“What time is it?” Karkat asks, kneeling in the sand and rummaging through his bag.

“What? Oh,” Dave checks his pocket and pulls out his phone, “Like 3:30.”

“Like?”

“3:27.”

“Oh, okay.”

Karkat stands and pulls on a shirt, which immediately starts clinging to him, soaking up water with how wet he still was.

Dave looks away. He can’t swallow right, he feels like he’s gasping for air. Why does he feel so weird all of a sudden?

Karkat turned toward him, slinging his backpack over his shoulder, blanket folded up in his arms. Dave couldn’t look at his face.

His head pounded. A sudden but strong headache pushed on the back of his eyes.

Karkat was doing this to him. But how?

“So, what now?” Karkat asks, his voice light and cherry. It rolls Dave's stomach, he's going to vomit.

“I- I don’t know.” Is all he can say. He brings a hand up to his eyes, rubbing them from under his shades.

How could he fix this? He wanted to act normal, to feel normal, why is he all of a sudden growing so uncomfortable? He needed to go home. He needed to remove himself from this situation and deal with it later.

“Are you okay?” Karkat sounds concerned, Dave’s head thumps with pressure.

“Yeah, I just suddenly started feeling weird.” Was the only way he knew how to reply.

“Com’on, let’s get you back to my place, you can lay down.” And Karkat is already walking away, toward the entrance.

“Yeah, okay.” Dave can’t breathe.

What is this feeling? How could he stop it? How does he go back to feeling the way he did before?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always pls leave a comment i love hearing from u guys


	8. Dave's Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only thing that should matter is what he thinks of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL Remember when i said i would upload this almost 97 days ago? Good times..... sorry :c 
> 
> I've rewritten this so many times im just going to post it and pray u guys like it

Dear whoever the fuck found this bottle,

I hope you don't mind reading the ramblings of a teenager lost in love. If you don't want to, fuck you, just toss the bottle back in the ocean or something I don't know. 

I don't know exactly when it happened. Maybe the first time he ever stood up for me, maybe the first time I ever saw him smile. Maybe when I laid down in his bed, smelled his sheets, and thought ‘this is home.’ 

All I know is that he takes my breath away, when I look at him I see stars, I see my whole universe. The way that he loves so deeply, despite how seldom he does. The way that he smiles at me after I said something funny makes me desperately want to joke all the time just so that maybe he'll smile more. 

The way that he's passionate about things, he loves the ocean so much, why not give this confession to the sea. Maybe one day it'll find its hands into someone else who loves as strong as I do. 

I feel like such an idiot for writing this down, I feel like such a stupid lovesick cliche teenager, but maybe that's what I am. I'm just rambling at this point. 

The way he gets excited when he sees me? It fills me with pride knowing that I'm one of his selected, a small amount of people to give his affection too, such a small amount, but I'm one of them. The amount of irrational pride and happiness that this knowledge gives me almost embarrasses me, makes me want to tell him just how much he means to me. But I know I never can.

He always seemed interested in what I have to say, even if it's just some something stupid. Every conversation he has with me I give him my full attention, I give him everything that I can in that moment.

I love how easy everything is with him, conversations don't take effort, and I find myself opening up to him more and more, wanting to tell him everything about me and everything that I can think to say.

I love how when we're together it's never boring, even if he's just reading a book and im listening to music. I love how I can genuinely enjoy his company without anything having to be said or done.

I'm so in love I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act around him, I don't know what I'm allowed to say. I don't want to freak him out, I don't want to creep him out, I don't want to distance him. I don't even know if he's gay. I don't even know if I'm gay. All I know is that he means the world to me, all I know is that when I'm with him I'm happy to be alive. He make's me content. 

I don't know if I should be ashamed, I don't know how far I'm willing to take this before I tell him. I don't know how long I can go before I have to tell him.

All I do know is that every time I get close, every time I almost say it, something tells me not to. Something tells me deep down that he won't like me back, that it's stupid, that he'll be grossed out, everything that could go wrong will. I don't want to ruin our friendship, I want this to last, I want to know him and be around him for as long as possible. I'm scared if I tell him he'll hate me.

I think that's the thing that I fear the most, is him growing to hate me. Him growing bored of me. Deciding that I'm not worth it, that I'm too much work, that I'm too complicated. I am a complicated person.

I love affection, I love cuddling, I love showing someone that I love them. But I am so caught up in my own pride, caught up in my own head that I can't seem to get the words out. I can't ask for it. I don't know if he wants it, too. But how am I supposed to know if I don't ask? I want to scream the fact that I love him from the rooftops, but I'm so scared of how other people perceive me and what other people would think that it holds me back.

The only thing that should matter is what he thinks of me. 

I don't know what he thinks of me and I think that scares me, I don't know his real unbiased emotions towards me, everything that he feels. I want know what he says to other people, I want to know how he introduce is me to people that haven't met me yet. I want to know the good things that he says about me behind my back, I want to know the bad.

I want to know everything that there is to know about him. 

I can hope that maybe one day I'll learn how to show him what I feel about him, oh, maybe one day I'll learn how to get over myself.

I can't get over this giddiness inside when i see him, I don't know how to go a hold of myself when i'm around him. What am I going to do? 

Fuck. 

I love him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the love of god please comment


	9. Message in a Bottle part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> timaeusTestified (TT) began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
> 
> TT: we need some rules
> 
> The message sends chills down Dave’s back, Bro never messages him, let alone about something serious. Maybe a critique on SBHJ or to tell him to pick up eggs, but never something like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL TWO CHAPTERS IN TWO DAYS AFTER NOT MOSTING FOR A MONTH 
> 
> sorry
> 
> also i gave Bro and Dirk the same handle because i wouldn't think of anything else to do sorry
> 
> WARNING!! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS THE SLUR FAGGOT if that makes you uncomfortable then don't read

Fuck it was cold. The wind blowing over the ocean felt like it was ripping right through his jacket, piercing him to the core. Why did he come out here so late? Oh right, he didn’t want to run into anyone and night time is the best time for aloneness. 

Shut the fuck up. Idiot. Just throw the bottle, just throw it. Pussy. Throw it. 

He looks from the bottle to the ocean for the hundredth time. He wasn’t going to do it, he knew he wasn’t, he’s too weak. Too selfish.

He put the bottle back into his pocket. He was tired of looking at it, his failure, his emotions on paper. Everything he felt like he could write down, right here in this bottle. Fucking bottle, who’s stupid idea was that. Idiot. 

He should just go home, why was he here? Fucking bottle. Fucking emotions. 

“Dave!” The voice startles him out of his thoughts, looking to the side and seeing a figure jog toward him in the dark. Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _

The whole reason he was out here so late is to not talk to anyone else, to not see anyone else, to be  _ alone. _

“What's up?” Dave asked, trying not to crawl out of his skin. Why was Karkat here? Of all people,  _ why _ **_Karkat_ ** _? _ This wasn’t a part of the plan. 

Karkat swims on Saturdays from sunrise till noon, when he breaks for lunch, then he stays for the sunset and goes home once it’s dark. 

It’s dark now, why was he here? Why was he here?  _ Why was he here?? _

“Just out for a walk. What about you? Why are you out here?” Karkat asks, voice worried. 

Out for a walk! Who does that?! This late at night, he needs to be home in bed sleeping, not out in the dark on the beach, oh wait. Dave was out in the dark on the beach. Dave is a hypocrite. Right. Idiot. Stupid. 

“I.. don't really know. Just felt like it I guess.” Dave shrugged, unable to come up with a better answer this quickly.    
  
Karkat made to walk away, “Well, sorry if I disturbed you,” Without thinking Dave snapped out a hand and caught Karkat by the wrist, before pulling away quickly. 

_Fuck, why did he do that?_   
  
“I actually came here for this,” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the bottle. Fuck, this was a bad idea, stupid, idiot. Why did you say anything, should have kept your mouth shut, idiot.   
  
“A message in a bottle? What does it say?” Karkat asked, sounding surprised. 

Karkat thinks it’s stupid, Dave huffed a sigh and shrugged. “Stuff.” He threw his hand around in the air as if that could help explain.    
  
“That's actually kinda cool.” Karkat says. 

Wait, really?   
  
“I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. And I figured that instead of ripping it up or burning it I might as well do something rad.”  Dave tossed the bottle from one hand to another trying to be casual and breezy. Cool and chill. Everything was okay. Everything was fine, just peachy, absolutely a-okay.    
  
“Dope, why don't you throw it in? The tide is high and probably strong. Perfect to take it far away.” Karkat suggests.    
  
Dave thinks for a moment, “Yeah, you're right,” He breathes. This is easy, the whole reason he came out here. Just throw it, idiot, do it, just throw it. He takes a step back and chucks it as far as he can, which honesty isn’t very far.    
  
“Do you… Wanna talk about it?” Karkat asked, hesitantly.    
  
“Nah. Mamma ain't raise no bitch.” Dave said confidently. This surprises a laugh from Karkat, something that makes Dave smile just a little. Just a little.    
  
“Wanna hang out?” Karkat askes lightheartedly, and suddenly everything shifted. The weight lifted. 

“Yeah,” Dave smiles for real this time, letting it spread across his face, beaming back at Karkat who seemed just as excited.    
  
They walked together back into town, wandering the streets. The streetlights gave the night a serene feel, something from a scene in a movie. No one was out, no cars around in the middle of the night.    
  
Dave never found it hard to talk to Karkat, always finding something to occupy their conversations with. But sometimes there's a lull and Dave really has to think about what he’s going to say next. 

Come on Dave think of something to say. He glances over to Karkat, and his breath gets stuck in his throat. The way the light from the street lamps frames his cheekbones in the twilight, how he can see the stars reflecting in his eyes when he turns to smile at Dave.    
  
“If you died today, is there something you would regret not doing, or something you would regret not saying?” Dave spoke quickly, saying it as it popped into his head.    
  
Karkat was quite for a moment, “Why? Where is this coming from?” He asks. 

Dave panicked, fuck, was that the wrong thing to ask? Was that a weird question? He thought about how he was asking something considered deep, something that could be pushing a boundary, crossing a line. He should have kept his mouth shut, should have not asked anything, let the silence between them fill him to the brim with anxiousness. 

“Just answer it,” he forces out of his mouth. 

Karkat is quite for a long moment. 

Dave knows what he himself would regret. It plays on a loop in his mind as Karkat’s silence stretches on, like a broken record stuck on one little bit of song. Like when one particular lyric is stuck in your head and you can’t get it out, not the whole song, just one little snippet of it. 

Dave loved Karkat. 

“I think I'd regret,” Karkat ripped Dave from his thoughts,  “Not telling the people close to me that I love them. I hate the fact I'm too awkward, have too much pride to be affectionate. What about you?” 

Dave swallows thickly, speaking without thinking and letting his heart spill from his mouth. “Not that I'm copying you or anything, I am my own man, but honestly I'm the same. I'm angry at myself for not being genuine more often. I'm always fucking around to push people away, to keep them from getting too close.” 

Karkat is silent, again. 

Dave doesn’t ask any more questions.

Dave loved Karkat. He knew it, it was a true fact. Or was it? No it definitely was. 

It showed in the way Dave couldn’t stop himself from taking steps a little too close to Karkat to make their shoulders or hands brush. The other boy didn’t seem to mind, or even notice, and it made Dave want to push it. 

He knew he wasn’t going to. He was too scared. Pussy. Faggot. 

Karkat probably hated him, honestly. He thought Dave was annoying and talked too much. He thought Dave was weird and had too many things wrong with him. Dave was broken, another fact, he knew it, everyone who’s witnessed one of his little shows knows it. 

Freak. Idiot. 

He didn't want to stop spending time with Karkat. He wanted to make it okay. He wanted to feel okay again. 

On a whim, “Want to sleep over at my house?” tumbled from his tongue. 

“Sure,” Karkat said almost instantly, and it make Dave release the tension he didn’t realize he was holding in his body. He unlocked his jaw and uncurled his hands, let his shoulders fall and a small smile sneak it’s way onto his face. 

They went back to his house, Dave focusing on taking small steps so his hand would graze Karkat's every now and then. They started climbing the stairs and Karkat almost immediately got short of breath, opting to sit down and take a small break. 

“Weak,” Dave teases him. 

Dave remembered his brother telling him when they just moved in that one day these stairs would be nothing to him. Dave smiled a bit, before looking down at the stain on the ground. They stopped a flight after the accident happened, it was just below them. Karkat had to of known, that’s why he stopped here, to make fun of Dave. To mock him. 

Wait, no. Dave needed to get a grip. The conflicting emotions about his brother were making his head spin with crazy thoughts, that’s all. 

He needed to be close to the other boy, a sudden longing filling his chest with a void, making him feel cold and alone, even with the other boy so close. 

So he sat down right beside Karkat, in the little space between the railings they were pressed against each other. He couldn't help but notice how warm the other boy was, heat rolling off of him like a furnace. Dave sighed and gave into temptation, leaning his whole body into the side of the other boy, soaking up the warmth and resting his head on his shoulder. He didn’t know what reaction he was expecting, but certainly not the other boy leaning against him too, resting his head on the blonde's.   
  


Dave loved Karkat. 

  
They sat for a few moments, Dave realizing after a while that the angle dug his glasses into his face. So he took them off without really thinking about it, the stairway was dingily lit anyway. He gripped them in the hand resting on his lap, before watching Karkat reach out to take them, both hands hot against his as he unfurled his grip manually and took them.   
  
Karkat seemed more interested in them than Dave could understand, watching as he turned them over in his hands, inspecting them thoroughly. Dave closed his eyes and tried to memorize this moment, the way Karkat was pressed up against him, the warmth of him compared to the cold concrete. Seeing him earlier, the streetlights, the stars.

Dave loved Karkat.   
  
“What is holding you back from being the person you want to be?” Karkat asked the question in a whisper, not needing to talk any louder with how close they were. It took Dave by surprise, his eyes opening from where he got lost in the moment. He thought for a moment, chewing his lip.

Why couldn’t he tell Karkat? What’s holding him back?    
  
“I would have to guess my pride. I’m too… uncomfortable with myself i guess. I have to make sure everyone thinks i’m cool and aloof, that emotions are for noobs.” He didn’t want to over think the question, just deciding to say what came to mind first. “What about you?”   
  
Karkat took more time to answer, “I would have to say myself. I’m too caught up in my head, i can’t just enjoy something, i always have to overthink it.” 

Dave nodded his head from the weird angle he was at to let the other knew he heard. 

The rest of the walk up was silent save for the loud sound of their footsteps bounding up in the small space. Dave’s house was always cluttered, neither him nor his brother were very fond of cleaning, and Bro had enough money to buy whatever crap he wanted. Not that he shared much with Dave, but that was fine, Dave managed on his own a lot. 

_ “That’s not right.”  _ Karkat's voice in his head tells him, something from an earlier conversation about how Bro treats him in front of his friends sometimes. 

Maybe it wasn’t alright. Maybe Bro was supposed to help out with groceries and clothing more often. 

They got to his room safe and sound, no encounters, and Dave immediately went to his stash in the closet to grab drinks and snacks. When he turns around he finds Karkat already at home on the bed, and it makes him smile. 

He loved Karkat.

This time the thought made him uncomfortable and he looked away from his friend. 

Weird. 

Anyway, Dave made his way to his computer and booted it up, pulling up the website for sweet bro and hella jeff. His latest comic was receiving wonderful feedback of bots and key smashing, which was the usual. He fucked around a bit on some other websites, some of them his brothers, checking them out of habit more than anything. After just a few minutes of looking at the screen his eyes felt heavy, and he was growing tired already. 

He turned to look at the bed when he caught Karkat staring at him intently, something that caught Dave off guard and made him smile wide. 

“ Whatcha thinkin’ bout?” Dave asked tiredly. 

He loved Karkat.

“What would make you totally content right now?” Karkat asks out of the blue. 

Dave thought for a moment, what does he want the most right now? He gets a violent image of them together in bed, spooning and cuddling, kissing and roaming hands, and it sent a wave of heat down his back that crawls up his neck and onto his face, making his ears burn. 

He swallows.  _ Faggot.  _

“I’m sorry i didn’t mean-” Karkat tries to say but Dave can’t really hear him. 

“Nah man it’s fine. I think more food would make me content.” He says, knowing his voice was smooth and unwavering. He was good at this. Pushing people away, keeping them at arm's length. Not letting them in. 

He loved Karkat. 

Karkat didn’t love him. 

Karkat would never love him. 

“Oh.” Karkat’s voice is low. 

“What about you? What would make you content?” Dave asks, spiteful.

“I.. i’m not sure. I think I am content. With you.” The way Karkat says it makes Dave want to vomit. He feels his face contort and can’t stop it in time. 

Karkat didn’t know what he was saying. He was just trying to make Dave feel better. He didn’t mean it. 

Karkat would never love him.

timaeusTestified (TT) began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: we need some rules

The message sends chills down Dave’s back, Bro never messages him, let alone about something serious. Maybe a critique on SBHJ or to tell him to pick up eggs, but never something like this. 

TG: okay sure

TT: ask me before you bring someone over next time

Dave swallows. He fucked up. 

TG: alright i can do that

TG: sorry i didn’t tell you

TT: i won’t bother you if someone's over, but other than that is fair game

Dave knows what that means. It felt like ice down his spine. They’ve had this rule before, it means that Bro doesn't want anyone else to see. To see what really happens sometimes. 

TG: okay

TT: good boy

The message makes Dave flush, quickly turning around to find Karkat on his phone half asleep. He felt weird in his stomach. He needed to get a grip. 

TG: is that all?

He needed to end this conversation now.

TT: say thank you

TG: sorry

TG: thank you

TT: yeah one more thing 

TT: you’ve been very distant recently

TT: i don't like that

TG: im sorry

TG: ill be around more

TG: i promise

TT: then thats all

Dave huffed a sigh of relief. That wasn’t so bad. Not as bad as he thought.

TT: you can try all you want to replace me

TT: but ill always be the only one who loves you

Oh. 

He scrolled back up and re-read the conversation, making himself uncomfortable before exiting out of the window. 

He was safe as long as Karkat was here. 

He had to ask before they come over again, which will be a little harder, usually they're hangouts are spur of the moment things, not very well planned out. And Bro is a hard guy to get up with sometimes. 

He thinks about what's going to happen once Karkat leaves and he swallows. 

Don’t think about it. 

Go to bed. 

Dave doesn’t sleep for hours, just lays there and listens to Karkat's heavy breathing. It’s soothing. 

He loves Karkat. 

Karkat will never love him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD COMMENT


	10. The Plate part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He opened the door and sighed with relief, thankful that something was going right. He pulled out the eggs and a pan, clearing a few puppets from the stove so he could work. He went to grab a plate and fumbled, it dropping from his hand and shattering on the ground. 
> 
> The noise made him jump, looking down at the shards littering the ground. 
> 
> He made a mess. 
> 
> He was going to get punished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter? wack

“Fucking worthless, you know that? That’s what you are.” 

Shut up. 

“Ain’t nobody ever gonna love you with that kind of attitude.” 

Be quite. 

“What? Cat got your tongue?” 

Don’t reply, it’s a trap. 

“S’what I thought. Bitch.” 

Don’t breathe. 

“Dave?” 

Don’t breathe. 

Dave shot up in bed with a start, breathing heavily and clutching his chest. Today was going to be hard. He could tell, the cloud was thick in his mind already, seemingly foggy and thick. 

A groan to his side surprised him, and a glance over showed his bedmate sprawled across the covers without a care in the world, fast asleep. It made Dave smile. 

He was home. He was okay. Karkat was here, still asleep, everything was fine. He needed to calm down. He stood and maneuvered around his friend, carefully, knowing that Karkat was a light sleeper. 

Karkat was here. Everything was okay. 

It was hard to see, the sun hadn’t risen yet and the streetlights filtering through the window was just enough for him to make his way to the bathroom. After relieving himself he made his way into the living room, keeping an eye out for his brother. 

He seemed to be gone, like most of the time recently, and honestly it bothered Dave. On one hand he missed his brother, the shenanigans they got into, their conversations no matter how roundabout and misleading some of them could be. 

On the other hand, fuck his brother. 

But Karkat was here. Everything was okay. 

He loved Karkat. 

He stood for a minute and watched the sun peak over a building through the window, taking a moment to just breathe and exist. It wasn’t always a nice thing, but for now he was fine. Mostly. Kinda.

He made his way back into the bedroom and found Karkat rolling around in his sheets, something that made him smile softly. He leaned his hip against the doorway and thought back to the stupid letter he wrote, the one Karkat caught him with, the one he tossed into the ocean. 

“You look like a cat all curled up like that,” Dave smiled wider as Karkat just smirked at him, stretching and popping his back, his shirt riding up and showing off his tummy for a brief moment before the other looked at him expectantly. 

He loved Karkat. 

Dave couldn’t help the giddiness in his bones, the absolute glee he felt looking at the boy across the room. It made him beam at the boy, a smile he knew was a little too wide but couldn’t help. 

“Come’on, i’ll make us some grub,” Dave says, tossing his head back. It causes him to lose his balance and almost fall, catching himself on the doorway just in time. He quickly shuffled down the hall, hearing Karkat laugh softly behind him. Asshole. Dave’s cheeks hurt from smiling. 

He went into the kitchen and stood for a minute, deciding on what to cook. He knew they didn’t have anything in the freezer, Bro cleaned it out a few days ago to store some swords. Maybe they had some eggs in the refrigerator. 

He opened the door and sighed with relief, thankful that something was going right. He pulled out the eggs and a pan, clearing a few puppets from the stove so he could work. He went to grab a plate and fumbled, it dropping from his hand and shattering on the ground. 

The noise made him jump, looking down at the shards littering the ground. 

He made a mess. 

He was going to get punished. 

Just then someone rounded the corner, and Dave backed up in fear. He put his hands up in front of him like that was going to help him at all, idiot, stupid. Dave looked back down at the mess on the ground and felt his knees go weak, felt himself drop to a squat. Felt his hands grip his hair, used it as a grounding point. 

_ He made a mess. _

“I’ll clean it up! I promise!” He promised, he really really did. He could do it, he was a big boy, he could clean up his own mess he didn’t need to get punished. 

“Dave, it’s just an accident. It’s okay we’ll clean it up it’s fine.”  _ He’s just saying that to calm you down, he’s upset with you, he’s going to hurt you.  _

“No! It’s all my fault, I ruined everything, i’m so sorry!” Dave pleaded, tugging on his hair again, feeling some strands pull loose, taking comfort in the slight pain. 

“Hey, Dave? Look at me, it’s okay. It’s okay.”  _ No it’s not.  _

“I’m useless, i'm a burden, I break everything, I should have been more careful!” Dave knows what he wants to hear, he can say it, he can be good. 

Dave could be good. 

“Stop! Don’t say that!” 

“It’s true!  _ It’s true!”  _

“Shut up! You’re amazing, you’re great-” 

Wait, what?

“You’re my best friend and I love you!”

_ He’d never love you if he knew the truth. _

Dave can’t breathe. He feels his heart pounding behind his eyes, feels like his entire head is going to explode. 

He slowly looks up, vision pulsing, “I.. What?” Is all he can manage to get out. 

Karkat.

It’s  _ Karkat. _

It’s __ **_Karkat._ **

Dave sucks in a big breath, it plays like a montra in his head. 

“I’m sorry,” Karkat gasps out. He’s looking anywhere but Dave, can’t look Dave in the eye. 

Sorry for what? What happened? Dave was the one in trouble, why was Karkat sorry? Why won’t he look at him. 

Why won’t he look at Dave?

“I’m sorry.” He says it again and it clicks for Dave. 

Karkat would never love him. 

Karkat stands and fails, stands again and slowly backs out of the room. 

Dave looks down at the mess on the floor. Sees his glasses, reaches up and doesn’t feel them on his face amongst the tears and snot. 

He feels numb. 

He made a mess. He has to pick it up. 

He made a mess, he has to pick it up. 

He made a mess,  _ he has to pick it up,  _ **_he has to._ **

Someone’s touching his hands, he drops what he managed to pick up, _ have to start over  _ **_need to clean this up,_ ** he’s standing and walking, walking. 

His hand is bleeding, it feels distant and tingly, he sees the blood rinse away under the water when he manages to look up from the  _ complete  _ **_fucking_ ** _ mess he made on the floor that someone needs to pick up why hasn’t he finished yet  _ **_need to clean._ **

Dave sucks in a breath and coughs, swallowing a mouthful of mucus. 

He sees his glasses and has his second gasp of air, looks over at the person, Karkat. 

It’s just Karkat. 

_ “You can try all you want to replace me, but ill always be the only one who loves you,” _ He can hear his brothers voice say in the back of his mind. 

Yeah, he knows. 

Don’t worry, Dave is well aware. 

Karkat will never love him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE COMMENT I NEED IT


	11. Consolation part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave loved Karkat. 
> 
> He needed to tell him. 
> 
> Dave felt himself tense and he sighed, this was something he needed to get off of his chest, and now was as good a time as any. With Karkat’s reasurments still ringing in his head he opened his mouth to say something, only the words didn’t come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing so much recently pls be proud of me

It’s all his fault. It’s a fact, he knew it, it’s no big surprise that Dave had to put on one of his little shows and ruin the only good thing in his life right now. 

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]: 

CG: HEY

Dave sighed and turned his phone off, cranking up the volume on the music playing on his turntables. He walks over and plops down on his bed, burying his face into his pillow when he heard his computer ding with a message. And another. 

And another. Finally Dave sighed and stood, making his way over and sitting down at his computer chair, rolling through cords up to his desk before opening the chat window. 

CG: SURE JUST LEAVE ME ON READ THAT’S FINE

CG: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO HANG OUT

CG: I'M BORED

Dave read the messages and sighed again, unsure of how to respond. 

TG: nah im good

TG: thanks though 

He didn’t know why Karkat was bugging him so much, it’s not like he even liked him. 

It’s not like Karkat even liked him. 

Another message popped up on his computer, one that he’s been dreading for days. 

timaeusTestified (TT) began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: come into the living room

Dave didn’t want to. 

But he had to be good. 

But he didn’t want to 

TG: i was just about to go hang with Karkat

TT: so you don’t want to spend time with your brother?

TG: no it’s not 

TG: i'm sorry i just

TG: he asked and i already said yes

TT: whatever 

Dave sighed and knew that if he didn’t leave it would be suspicious. He needed to get past his brother in the living room before he could ‘go hang with Karkat.’ He really fucked himself on this one. 

He put on his shoes and stood in the middle of his room for a few minutes collecting himself before opening his bedroom door. He made his way down the cluttered hallway, trying not to run into any puppets on his way out of the door. 

Bro was standing in the kitchen, and they locked eyes as soon as Dave stepped into the room. 

“I-i’m going.” Dave croaked out. 

Bro just stared at him. He took a step and suddenly Bro was in front of him, blocking his way. 

“Did I say you could go?” He asks in a low voice. 

“No,” Dave breathes, tries to breathe, can’t breathe. 

There is a hand around his throat, tightening, constricting, lifting him from the floor. 

Dave tries to fight him off, tried to get the hand to uncurl the fingers cutting off his oxygen, tries to fight but he knows he won’t win, knows how this ends. 

The hand loosens just as he’s about to blackout, he sucks in a breath as his whole body fills with tingles. Static fills his hearing, his vision until it slowly comes back, and all he can hear is Bro’s low breathing, hear the threat of  “Next time I ask you to hang out with me you better be free. Understand?” 

Dave nods, holding onto the arm lifting him above the ground, gasping for air. Bro drops him unexpectedly, Dave’s legs failing him and he goes crumbling to the ground, coughing and wheezing for oxygen. 

“You’re getting softer. You need to train more, you’re getting fucking weak, Dave.” Bro spat in his direction before walking over him and toward the couch. 

Dave coughs and struggles to his knees, feeling around his throat as the last of the tingle sensation leaves his body. He hoped he didn’t have bruises this time. 

He gets up and stumbles to the door, opens it and leaves. He sits on the top step and breaths for a moment, trying to calm his nerves. 

He gets up and starts walking, nowhere particular in mind, just wandering through the streets instead of being home. His feet took him to the beach and sat him down a little way from the parking lot. He was surprised to be the only person here, usually Karkat or other swimmers are here. Was he here to see Karkat? Did he want to see Karkat? 

That’s the excuse he used to get away from Bro. Maybe he did. 

But Karkat hated him. He couldn’t look at him. 

But Dave needed to see him. It hit him all at once, the overwhelming longing he felt for the boy, the need to be close to him. He pulled out his phone and opened the chat window from earlier that day. 

TG: yo

Dave knew this was a bad idea.

CG: HEY

TG: whats up

CG: I JUST GOT DONE EATING DINNER

CG: YOU?

TG: nothin

TG: are you busy

CG: NO

CG: WHATS UP?

Dave took a deep breath and typed his message slowly, not wanting the wrong answer. 

TG: you wanna hang out

CG: SURE

CG: WHEN AND WHERE AND I'M THERE

Dave smiled slightly at that. 

TG: what about the beach

TG: at around right now

CG: SOUNDS GOOD I'M ON MY WAY

TG: cool

TG: im already here so just come find me

Dave shut his phone and just watched the water for a moment, the waves crashing up and down the bank. It was pretty outside, the sun sinking closer and closer to the horizon, the colors blending and bleeding into each other as blues turned into purples and pinks. Reflecting off of the clouds and the water, something you’d see in a painting. 

Dave saw Karkat making his way down the beach just a little while later, and he lounged back on his arms to seem casual. 

“Hey,” He greeted when the other boy was close enough. 

“Hey.” Karkat replied. 

“You can sit down,” Dave patted the ground beside him, sending a light dust of the white sand into the air. Karkat nodded and plopped down, nervously glancing at Dave from the corner of his eye before looking out into the water. 

This was all Daves fault. The awkwardness, the walking on eggshells. Dave fucked this up and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

Maybe he could try. 

“I'm sorry.” He spoke quietly. 

“About what?” Karkat asks, seemingly genuinely confused. 

Dave could almost laugh at how funny that was. Almost. 

“For freaking out the other day,” he pauses before adding, “ And avoiding you.”

“You don't have to apologize. It wasn't your fault. Things happen and sometimes you react a little strangely. I've learned to help the best that I can, even if I feel lost the whole time I still want to help.” Karkat says. 

Somehow, that’s exactly what Dave needed to hear. 

Dave loved Karkat. 

He needed to tell him. 

_ He needed to tell him.  _

Dave felt himself tense and he sighed, this was something he needed to get off of his chest, and now was as good a time as any. With Karkat’s reasurments still ringing in his head he opened his mouth to say something, only the words didn’t come. 

“Can we go back to the way things were?” Karkat asked sounding scared, and just like that everything was bad again. 

What could Dave say? ‘No, I love you and I want to date?’ 

Karkat would never love him. 

“Yeah. I'd like that.” Dave says, reserved. 

They sat in silence for a while, Dave’s brain going a hundred miles a minute. 

He loved Karkat. It was a fact, this he knew. 

Karkat would never love him. 

He swallowed his pride for one goddamn second and choked out, “I'm happy to have you in my life,” as quickly as he could before he could talk himself out of it. 

The reply of, “I'm happy you're in my life too,” Surprised him a little. He didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t that. 

Maybe things would be okay. Ever for just a little while. 

“Wanna go get some ice cream?” He asked as the idea popped into his mind, knowing how much Karkat enjoyed sweets. He stood and helped his friend to his feet, both of them leaving the beach and walking to a gas station for some factory made ice cream cones. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE COMMENT


	12. New Glasses part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come here,” Bro demands and Dave can’t help but obey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER GETS DARK 
> 
> If you had any problems with child abuse or incest please stay away from this chapter 
> 
> please stay safe

“Come here,” Bro demands and Dave can’t help but obey. 

He walks up unenthusiastically, head down and submissive, just how Bro likes. Bro is sitting bow legged on the couch and pats one of his thighs, and Dave's face burns with shame. He doesn’t want to sit on his big brothers lap. 

“Don’t make me say it again.” This time Dave moves, clambering his seventeen year old self into his adult brothers lap and sitting as stiff as possible. Bro doesn’t seem to like that, snaking an arm around his waist to pull him closer, so his back was against Bro’s chest. 

Dave didn’t want this, he wanted to go to his room and hide his face under the pillows. He didn’t want this. 

Bro kisses the top of his head before changing channels on the TV mindlessly, seemingly content with how things were. Dave couldn’t help but slowly relax into the hold, couldn’t help but enjoy the small amount of intimacy this provided. 

He didn’t want to, god knew he didn’t want to be sitting here. But, if he had to be, couldn’t he just enjoy it a little bit? 

Bro always says that what feels good is for Dave. That he does it for Dave. 

Maybe this is what he’s talking about, this small good feeling where his back met Bro’s chest. Where his thighs rested atop his brothers, where his head lulled back onto his shoulder.  

That was a bad idea, Bros attention going from the TV to his throat almost instantly. Dave tried to lift his head before anything could happen but a hand in the back of his hair kept him in place, head pulled back and neck exposed. The pain on his scalp send shivers down his spine, a feeling he didn’t like. 

Bro smirked, he could feel it against his throat, as he lipped and sucked at the skin, not enough to leave marks but enough to make it wet. Bro only left marks when he was too drunk or high to stop himself, he knew better most of the time. 

Knew that this was a secret. Their secret. 

It made Dave sick. The feeling of his tongue tracing a line in his neck, his hot breath against the cold saliva trail he left on his neck. 

Dave squirms, never a good idea but a reflex all the same, and groans a drawn out, “Stoppp it.” 

“Excuse you?” Bro asks, threateningly. 

Dave makes a small noise but doesn't say anything else, and after another minute of Bro making out with his throat he seemed to grow bored, his attention shifting to the TV once again. Dave left his head on the others shoulder, the weight in his hair never loosening, and it was starting to form a crick in his neck. But he didn’t say anything. 

He never says anything.

Suddenly he realizes that his mouth is dry, and leaned back at this angle only made it worst, swallowing any saliva he could just made his throat rougher. “C-can I get something to drink?” He asks in a small voice, not wanting to upset his brother. 

Times like right now were mild compared to how he could get. Dave didn’t want to antagonize anything. 

“Sure, baby boy. Grab me a beer while you're up.” And the weight in his hair is gone. Dave nods and stands on wobbly legs, feeling like a newborn horse as he stumbled into the kitchen. He grabs an apple juice for himself and two beers for Bro, knowing that’ll get him a few brownie points. 

When he returns to the futon he tries to sit beside his brother, setting the drinks down on the coffee table and making himself comfortable tucked up under his arm. But he’s having none of it, hauling Dave across his lap, tucking his head under his chin before changing channels again. 

Dave sipped on his apple juice and let himself relax. If this was the worst tonight, then that's fine with him. He liked his brother like this, soft and cuddly. It was better than the alternative, when he was angry and hitting Dave. 

Bro leaned forward and squished Dave a little bit as he grabbed a beer off the coffee table, cracking it open and downing the whole thing easily. He opened his second one that Dave brought him, sipping this one and taking his time, swirling it around mindlessly as he watched the TV. 

Suddenly he grabs Dave by the face, tipping his head back and pressing their lips together. Dave freezes, like he always does, unsure of if Bro wanted him to kiss back or just take it. Bro moves his mouth against his slowly, tongue flicking out and licking his bottom lip, Dave parting his lips for the other like he wanted. 

He knew this dance, he knew what to do to keep Bro happy, to keep himself out of trouble. 

He kissed back mindlessly, not thinking about his actions, trying his hardest not to think about it. 

Bro tasted like beer, and it made Dave want to gag, but he didn’t. He kept it together for his brother and got through the kiss that felt like it took forever, gasping in a breath of air when they parted. 

“It’s so cute how you forget to breathe through your nose.” Bro comments in a sweet voice. 

Dave doesn’t wipe his mouth like he wants to. He just sips his apple juice and tries not to think about it. 

“I said something to you.” Bro says in a low tone, not liking to be ignored. 

Dave coughed, “Sorry,” And took another nervous sip. 

“Good boy.” Bro says, and pats Dave on the head. It burns his face, makes him want to hide it, so he does. He snuggles into Bro’s neck, letting him pet his hair while he hid his red face in shame. 

Dave mumbles a, “Thank you,” Into Bro’s neck because he knows he’s supposed to. 

They sit like that for a while, Dave spacing out to the sound of the TV in the background, letting his brain work on auto pilot as he took small sips from his apple juice until it was all gone. 

He tossed the bottle toward the trash can but misses, and when he goes to stand and pick it up hes roughly shoved to the floor. “What the fuck?” He asks offended at the rough treatment. 

“Got a problem, shit face?” Bro sneers from his perch on the couch.  

Dave keeps his head down and stands from where he was sprawled on the floor, throwing the bottle away in its place in the trash can. 

When he stands back up he feels Bro behind him, feels a hand snake around his waist, pulling him back into the body behind him. Dave didn’t want this. 

He leaned back into the sturdiness behind him, sighed and tried to take comfort in the hand snaking its way under his shirt. It didn’t work, it sent uncomfortable shivers down his back and he bit back the protests growing on his tongue. 

He knew he was too stiff, too uncomfortable for Bro’s liking, he needed to be malleable and soft, not so ridged. 

“Why so stiff?” Bro asks in a low voice, breathing right into Dave’s ear from his position behind him. 

Dave just shrugs unsure of how to answer. The hands trailed up his sides to his shoulders where they started to work the tense muscles, something akin to a shoulder massage if it just didn’t make Dave so damn uncomfortable. 

“I asked you a question,” Bro growls, his grip tightening to a bruising hold. 

“S-sorry.” Dave replies on instinct. Be good, don’t get punished. 

“Good boy,” Bro practically purrs in his ear, petting his head lightly and guiding him backward toward the couch. “Good boys deserve a reward, you know that, right, little one?” 

Dave swallowed thickly, he knew where this was going. He didn’t like it, he didn’t want it. 

Suddenly he was shoved down onto the couch, Bro on top of him in an instant, kissing and roaming hands everywhere he could reach. “Please,” Dave gasps, wanting it to be over. 

“That’s right baby, beg for me.” Bro whispers into his skin. Dave feels sick. 

“Please, stop,” It slips out before he can stop it, and he knows he’s in for it now. 

“Excuse you?” Bro grabs a handful of his hair and forces eye contact. “What did you just say?” 

“N-nothing, I’m sorry. I am, I promise!” Dave pleaded. 

“I thought you wanted to be good for me tonight? But that’s not it, is it?” Bro leans in close, “Do you wanna be bad? Get punished?”

“No!” Dave says immediately, no hesitation, he knew what to say, how to get out of this if he could, “I’ll- I’ll be good I promise, I’ll be good!” 

“That’s right,” Bro growls, low and threatening, “You’ll be good and you’ll fucking like it.” 

“Please,” Dave pleads for it to stop, for it to be over. 

“Beg, that’s right baby, beg for me.” Bro is back into it, letting his hands slide all over Dave’s body. 

He needed to get away. Please stop. 

His phone went off, the chime cutting through the room felt suffocating to Dave. 

“Ignore it,” Bro mumbled against his skin, but Dave couldn’t, wouldn’t. 

“What if it’s important?” He tires. 

Bro sits up and levels him with a gaze. “Are you serious right now?” He rocks his hips against Dave’s, “I’m hard as fuck right now and you wanna check your phone?” 

“Yes?” Dave tried. 

He should have seen the hit coming, should have known it was coming, but he didn’t and suddenly his face was on fire. “Ah! What the fuck!” He gripped his jaw in both hands, eyes tearing up. 

One after another his brother’s fists rained down on him, brutal in force and consistency. Dave held his hands up to protect himself, although poorly. Finally his brother seemed to have enough and left the couch entirely, and as Dave recovered he heard the fridge open and close, the pop of a tab on another can of beer. 

Dave stands and stumbles into the bathroom, blinking through the build up of tears in his eyes to see if his brother bruised him any. If he did it wasn’t showing yet, and Dave was very thankful for that. 

He makes his way back into the living room, finding Bro on the couch like nothing had happened. “Get the fuck out of my sight,” He says without even turning around. Right.

“Asshole.” Dave says it before he can stop himself, feeling like an out of body experience. 

Suddenly Bro was in front of him, eyes dark from behind his shades, “Excuse you?” He says, voice low. 

Dave squeaks and tries to back up, tripping and falling over himself in his haste. 

“I know I didn’t hear what I thought I heard, tell me i’m wrong Dave.” Bro says it like its a plea, but Dave knows this trick, knows and won’t take the bait. 

“I’m sorry!” Is all he can think to say. 

“Shut the fuck up!” Bro yells, swinging a hand toward Dave who dodges out of the way, scrambling to his feet and bolting toward the door. 

Dave leaves the apartment in a rush, flinging the door open and not bothering to close it behind him, knowing that Bro was hot on his heels anyway, sprinting out of the apartment and down the stairs. 

Only to run into someone else. 

They go tumbling down, a whirlwind of limbs and screaming. 

When they land at the bottom of that particular flight, Dave bolts up and realizes exactly who it was that he ran into.  _ Karkat, _ oh thank god. 

He leans over the other, worried out of his mind, “Are you okay?” He asks practically frantic. 

“Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?” Karkat says and Dave relaxes, breaths for a moment and just takes in his friend. Karkat seemed to be doing the same, eyes darting around Dave’s face. Why was he so focused on Dave’s face? 

Dave thinks for a moment, not even worried enough about himself to check and see if he was okay. He landed on his right knee a little weirdly, but other than that he was alright. 

“Yeah I think I'm okay. Nothing broken.” This time, that is. “Why are you here?” Dave asks, wondering how his friend had magically come to his rescue. 

“I think I just needed to see you,” Karkat stumbles his way through the next part of his sentence, seemingly embarrassed about something Dave couldn’t put his finger on. “I-I just, some stuff, uh, I walked over here and though I might stop in and say hi.” Karkat finally finishes and it makes Dave want to smile. 

“What happened?” Karkat asks, and Dave knows what he means. 

“Just an argument, nothing too serious.” Dave says as nonchalantly as possible. 

Dave spends a moment just breathing, hovering over his friend, taking in his appearance and calming his fraying nerves. 

Dave loved Karkat. 

He knew it, he loved the boy unlike anything else in his life. Unlike photography, or music, or dead things in jars. He felt it every time they locked eyes, every time he felt the others breath ghost across his face. It felt amazing, their close proximity, and Dave wished they could stay like this forever. 

Suddenly Dave realized that his glasses weren't on his face, he bolted upright and searched the ground, finding them a little ways off. Dave felt his gut sink when he realized they were broken, a cracked lense and broken leg. They were broken. 

He was broken. 

It felt like his whole world came crashing down around him. “They're broken,” He manages to choke out, feeling Karkat’s heavy gaze on him. 

He crawls over to Dave and takes the glasses from his hands, inspecting them himself. “Maybe we can get them fixed?” he supplied, not sounding very confident.  

Dave huffed and laid back on the cold concrete, bent at a weird angle with how small the space was. Karkat shifted, giving Dave more room, and hovers his face above Dave’s in a mirror of before. 

Dave feels overwhelmed. “I can't go get new ones. Everyone will see,” He feels ashamed. 

Karkat's breath ghosting over his face sent goosebumps down his arms, and he couldn’t tell if it was in a good or a bad way. 

“I'll go for you.” Karkat said it without hesitation.

“I.. I can't stay here and wait. I can't be here.” Dave felt so out of place, unable to grasp that his glasses are really broken. That he was really saved by Karkat again. 

“We'll figure something out.” Karkat says, sounds sure of himself. 

Dave looks over at Karkat and takes in his appearance again, trying to commit it to memory. He wanted to never forget his face. His tan skin, dark grey eyes, how they bleed from a deep blue into a softer tone around the edges. How unbelievably long his eyelashes were, the way he scrunches up his forehead. His cute little nose and the color of his lips. 

Dave gets a flash of them kissing, a frame of lips touching. It sends a chill up his back, a shiver coursing through his whole body.

Dave loved Karkat. 

Karkat would never love Dave. 

Dave got a violent image of Bro’s lips against his, the feeling of his hands on his body, and it made him queasy. 

“Come on, let’s go.” Karkat makes to stand and Dave follows a little out of it, unable to really think straight. 

They make it down the stairs without another problem, and once in the lobby Karkat looks around, lost. “Let me call some people.” He finally says, walking away a few steps and pulling out his phone. 

Dave nods wordlessly. He feels sick. He needed a shower. 

He spaces out, knows he’s doing it, but can’t seem to pull himself back. 

He broke his glasses. 

“Dave?” Karkat says tentatively, a hand on Dave’s shoulder snapping him from his thoughts. 

“Yeah?” Dave asks. 

Karkat says something but Dave doesn’t quite catch it, unable to focus on his words. Instead he just watches the way Karkat’s lips move, how his tongue works the words out of his mouth. 

Dave wanted to kiss him. 

Dave loved him. 

Karkat would never love him back. 

He glances away from his friend, unable to breathe.

Karkat would never love him. 

Dave knew that, it was a fact. 

Karkat is talking to him again, saying something that sounds like gibberish, and Dave feels like he’s drowning. Like he’s under water, it’s filling his lungs, he can’t breathe. 

“Dave!” It breaks the surface, brings Dave back to himself. Somewhat. What little of himself he felt like was still there.

“Yeah?” He says again. 

“You're not okay, are you?” Karkat asks. Dave just shakes his head, and Karkat seems to understand, a look on his face that Dave can't quite place. 

It rolls Dave’s stomach. 

Karkat would never love him. 

Dave was unlovable. 

Karkat returned later with a new pair of glasses, never says where he gets them from, and they continue the day like nothing happened. 

But Dave can’t seem to leave his own mind, can’t seem to escape the fog that entraps all his thoughts. 

All but one. 

He loved Karkat. 

It was always followed up with a ‘yeah, so?’ 

Because Karkat would never love him. 

They got to Karkat’s house uneventfully, Dave spacing out the whole walk there. 

Just inside the door Karkat paused and looked at his dad with a somber face, something etched in the lines of his scowl that Dave couldn’t quite pick out. 

He coughed and got Karkat’s attention, “Dad, me and Dave are going to hang around for a little while,” He throws toward said father figure as they walked through the house toward his room. 

Once inside of his room Karkat shuts the door and turns toward Dave, “Better?” He asks. 

Dave thinks for a moment, tries to make his mind work through the fog that clouded his thoughts. 

He thought about how much safer he felt as soon as he was around Karkat, about how Karkat went out of his way to help Dave today. 

How Karkat was always there when he needed him. 

How he loved Karkat. 

He  **_loved_ ** Karkat. 

Dave reaches up and takes his glasses off, mostly on a whim, and tucks them into his shirt. “Better,” he says it honestly, and really means it. 

“Listen Karkat,” Dave looks away from his friend, unable to maintain eye contact for that long, “I just… wanted to say thanks. For always being here for me.”

“Yeah, always-” Karkat made to reply, but Dave didn’t want to hear it, not this time. 

“No, i mean. I got into a fight with my brother and wanted to come see you, only for you to be waiting outside my door. And I mean, sure, we fell down some stairs and I broke my glasses, but it seems like every time something goes wrong you're always there to pick me up. So, thanks. I guess.” He finishes sheepishly, swallowing in the silence he’s left in. 

After a long moment Dave starts to feel like he made a mistake, “So what do you do for fun in here?” he asks, trying to lighten the mood. 

“Usually i just watch movies,” Karkat walks over to his bed and plops down on the edge of it, pulling a computer out from underneath, “Maybe we’ll find something we can agree on.”

Dave wants to laugh at this, knowing he’ll hate every movie on Karkat’s hard drive. Instead he sits close to the other, daring to rest his chin on his shoulder as they look through Karkat’s movie collection. 

They spent the rest of the night propped up against soft pillows, watching movies and sitting a little too close. Dave tried not to think about what would happen when he got home, tried not to think about the consequences of today. 

Tried, anyway. 

But none of that mattered right now, because he loved Karkat, and they were together. 

Even if Karkat never liked him back. That would be okay. 

Dave decided that, in that moment, that even if Karkat never loved him back it’d be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENT PLEASE


	13. Confession, What Confession?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bro is in the kitchen microwaving something, and something inside of Dave breaks a little bit.
> 
> He sets his bag down and walks up to his brother, slinking his arms around the other in a hug from behind.
> 
> “Kinda gay, little dude.” Bro says.
> 
> Dave didn’t care. It was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol more abuse, more sadness, more of you hating me. oops sorry

“Hey, are you free today after school?” Dave asked as they walked out of the school building, putting a hand to his forehead to block the glare of the sun.

Karkat pauses and thinks for a moment before saying, “No, I think it’ll be okay. What do you want to do?”

Dave shrugged, “Whatever you want to do,” waving to John and Terezi as they walked farther from the school and in the general direction of their neighborhood.

“You know what I always want to do,” Karkat says, and it makes Dave want to laugh, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

“Yeah yeah, the beach, I know.” Dave isn’t complaining, just picking on Karkat about how often they just go and sit in the sand, watching the waves roll up and down the beach. 

“I saw some dolphins the other day, but I was too slow to grab one,” Karkat says suddenly, and it surprises a laugh out of Dave. 

“What the fuck?” Is all he can think to say. 

“What?” Karkat sounds confused, and it makes Dave smile harder. 

“You’re a weird kid, you know that?” Dave teases him. 

Dave loved Karkat. 

He doesn't reply, just scoffs and turns his head dramatically, making Dave laugh lightly. 

Karkat was the only one who made him feel like this. 

Dave loved Karkat.

They make it to the beach and Dave drops his bag before toeing off his shoes, thankful that he's getting to spend time with his friend. Lately they haven’t been seeing each other as much, and Dave missed Karkat. 

It was better than being home. Dave hated the hollow feeling he got in his chest when he couldn’t see Karkat, and had to be back at the apartment where he was alone and vulnerable to his brothers antics. 

Karkat said at one point that his dad thinks they spend too much time together, that Karkat needed to focus on school. Dave thought that was bullshit, Karkat focused on swimming and that was about it. 

“So, what’s wrong with your dad having a stick up his ass lately?” He manages to ask the question swimming through his mind as they step out into the white sand, wanting to know why he hasn’t been around his best friend recently. Why he had to be home. 

Not that he was blaming Karkat or his dad for him being home more often recently, it was just annoying. An inconvenience. It was fine that Dave had to be home sometimes, couldn't be with his friends or out by himself. It was  _ fine _ . 

“I need to…” Karkat starts before trailing off. 

“Need to?” Dave echoed, clearly confused.

“I need to tell you something.” Karkat says as they sit in their usual spot. 

Oh. 

Dave sat beside him, growing anxious. What did Karkat have to tell him? 

A flash feeling like a memory passed in his mind, one of them confessing their love, of sharing a tender kiss on the beach. It looks like an oil painting in Dave’s head for the second he sees it before it’s gone, colors blending and bleeding into each other where the sky meet the water, their silhouettes sitting amongst the sand and grass. 

Dave loved Karkat.

Dave needed to tell him something too. That little something being that he was literally in love with Karkat. 

Karkat won’t look at him and it makes him even more nervous. Remembers that night in his kitchen, the only other time Karkat wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

Maybe Karkat was going to confess again. Maybe this time Dave could say it back, would say it back. 

“I need to tell you something too,” Dave says, hesitant. 

“You go first,” Karkat says sharply, and Dave doesn’t want to. 

“No, you brought it up first.” Dave pointed at his friend, who  _ still _ won’t look at him. 

Dave was seconds from jumping out of his skin, but he could do this. Would do this. 

He takes his glasses off and tucks them into his shirt, squinting at the bright sun. He breathes, focusing on the air moving in and out of his lungs, and tries to calm his fraying nerves. 

Focuses on the sound of the seagulls far away, the waves rising and receding down the bank. It reminds him of Karkat, the salt in the air and how he can taste it in the back of his throat. 

“Same time?” Karkat asks. 

Oh god, this is going to be a scene straight out of one of Karkat romance novels, isn’t it? 

“Okay,” Dave agrees. 

“Okay, count to three,” Karkat says, nervousness overflowing inside of Dave, making him uncomfortable.  

“Okay. One, Two, Three... “ Dave took a breath, nerves on fire, “I love you too-”

Only to be interrupted by Karkat’s, “I’m moving.” 

What? 

Karkat was moving? 

_ Away _ ? 

**_Gone_ ** ? 

Dave just put his heart on his sleeve for it to be snatched off, thrown into the ground, and trambled. He felt stupid for getting his hopes up, felt shame burn his ears and grow down his neck. He felt stupid for ever getting his hopes up.  _ Of course he’d never love you. _

“What?!” Is the only thing he can think to say, throwing his hands in the air. 

Karkat was moving. 

“What the fuck?!” Dave couldn’t believe this, it was some sort of sick joke. 

But with his shades off, Karkat crystal clear before him, he knew it wasn’t a joke. Not by the look on Karkat’s face. 

“Dave, listen, I-” Karkat tries, but Dave is having none of it. 

“No, nope. I’m not dealing with this situation right now.” Dave puts his glasses back on his nose, where they belong, always, and stalks off. 

Dave got to the parking lot and was thankful that Karkat didn’t follow him. He plopped down and put his shoes on in a rush, picks up his bag and starts walking. Jogs. Before he knows it he’s sprinting back home, bounding up the stairs two at a time and flinging open the door. 

Bro is in the kitchen microwaving something, and something inside of Dave breaks a little bit. 

He sets his bag down and walks up to his brother, slinking his arms around the other in a hug from behind. 

“Kinda gay, little dude.” Bro says. 

Dave didn’t care. It was _ fine _ . 

Karkat was moving. The boy he was in love with was moving away. Gone. 

The microwave dings and Bro pulls out his hot pocket, leaves it on the counter and turns in Dave’s arms, and for a moment Dave thinks he's about to be shoved away, told to fuck off, but Bro just returns the hug. 

“Everything alright, little man?” Bro asks, sounding genuinely concerned. 

“Karkat is moving.” Is all he can think to say. He feels the grip around him tighten, feels Bro stiffen at the mention of his friend. 

“Oh,” Bro hesitates and relaxes again, “So you’ll be all mine again soon. Good.” 

Dave just nods, head pressed against Bro’s chest, trying not to cry from behind his glasses.

Dave loved Karkat, and he was moving. 

He didn’t even say ‘i love you’ back. 

_ Of course he’d never love you. _

Bro strokes his hair and kisses his crown, a warm fuzzy feeling filling Dave’s head at the contact. At the small amount of intimacy, the little bit of comfort. 

_ Bro’s the only one who will ever love you.  _

It was a fact, Dave knew it. He just didn’t want to believe it until now. It was **_fine._ **

* * *

 

carcinoGeneticist, [CG] started pestering, turntechGodhead, [TG]

CG: ARE YOU OKAY?

Dave wants to laugh at the message on his phone, but he doesn’t. He thinks it’s funny, but it isn’t. He turns to Bro, almost smirks and says ‘hey look at this,’ but doesn’t. It’s not cool enough. 

TG: yeah

CG: THAT SOUNDS FAKE BUT OKAY

TG: just leave it man

TG: when?

CG: A MONTH

TG: when did you find out?

CG: ….

TG: what the fuck

CG: I DIDN’T WANT TO TELL YOU

CG: I THOUGHT YOU’D BE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING

CG: I THOUGHT THAT IF I PUT SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN US IT WOULDN’T HURT AS BAD

That stung. Dave read the words again and grimised, it sinking in that Karkat had been avoiding him. That Karkat purposely didn’t hang out with Dave, abandoned him. Left him. 

TG: is that why you’ve been weird lately

TG: were you purposely ignoring me and avoiding me

CG: NO

CG: WELL

CG: I GUESS

CG: IT SOUNDS A LOT WORSE WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT

TG: whatever

TG: its chill

CG: BUT IT’S NOT AND I KNOW THAT, DAVE

CG: HOW CAN I MAKE THIS UP TO YOU?

Dave wants to laugh again. This hurt. But it was  **_fine._ **

TG: its fine man

TG: i get it

TG: you were trying not to hurt me

TG: im not as fragile as you think

TG: i can survive without you

CG: I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT AND YOU KNOW IT

CG: STOP TWISTING MY WORDS

TG: where to

CG: NORTH, SOMEWHERE INLAND

CG: MY DAD DOESN’T HAVE THE DETAILS YET

CG: HIS JOB IS SO SHITTY TO HIM

Dave sighs, knowing how this must be affecting Karkat too. Knowing that he must be taking it just as bad as Dave. He was the one moving, after all. Not Dave. Karkat was moving away from the only thing he cared about, the ocean. 

TG: that sucks

TG: no more ocean

CG: YEAH

CG: LISTEN, DAVE

CG: ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID AT THE BEACH

Dave sighs again, not wanting to hear the ‘i don’t like you like that’ or the ‘can we just stay friends.’ It hurt too much, this conversation needed to be over already. 

TG: stop typing

TG: its okay

TG: just forget about it

CG: I CAN’T JUST FORGET ABOUT IT

CG: YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME DAVE, I DON’T WANT THIS TO RUIN IT

TG: i keep telling you that it’s chill

CG: AND I KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW THATS HORSE SHIT

TG: you dont know me dad

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TYPING

TG: no

CG: PLEASE JUST LET ME TALK

TG: nope

CG: LISTEN TO ME DAVE

CG: I’M BEING COMPLETELY HONEST AND GENUINE WHEN I SAY THIS

turntechGodhead, [TG] stopped pestering, carcinoGeneticist, [CG]

turntechGodhead, [TG] blocked, carcinoGeneticist, [CG]

Dave felt like he was drowning, like he was underwater and there was nothing he could do but sink. Water filled his thoughts and made his head feel heavy. He lets it lull against the back of the futon, staring up at the ceiling. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” He hears from across the room, and when he lifts his head to find Bro in his computer chair, a needle in one hand and a half-sewn puppet in the other. This one was a bright green and had a bountiful, plushy rear stuck up in the air like it just didn’t care. 

Dave tore his eyes away from the neon monstrosity and looked at Bro’s face, feeling out of it somehow. Feeling unlike himself. “Nothing,” Manages to force its way out of Dave’s mouth, a reflex to respond even when his brain wasn’t quite working right. 

“Uh-huh. Right.” Bro says, sarcasm practically dripping from the words.  He sets down what he’s holding and takes his time sauntering over to the other, seemingly the slowest he’s moved in a long time. It doesn’t settle right in Dave’s stomach. But it was  **_fine._ **

Bro kneels down in front of Dave, scoots in between his knees, and cups his face with his gloved hands. Dave wants to say something, joke about how gay Bro is being, but the words don’t come out. 

Bro removes his glasses slowly, all his movements felt like time was crawling by its belly, and then he was leaning in. It always happens in stages, first it’s Bro’s breath on his face, then the warmth of their lips finally connecting. Finally Bro licks his bottom lip, an invitation to open his mouth, one that he obliges to every time. It was  **_fine_ ** if his brother wanted to kiss him, Dave could handle it, be cool about it. 

It was **_fine_ ** if bro wanted to roam his hands, ghosting above Dave’s clothes, sneaking their way under his skin until it feels like spiders and rats are chewing at his gut. 

It was  **_FINE_ ** if his brother wanted him to take his shirt off, wanted them both to be shirtless and up against each other. Wanted to snake his hand down his pants, feel him up and keep him trapped on the futon. 

Dave could space out, let his body react naturally, moan when he was supposed to, react when he was allowed to.

“You’re just as fucked up as I am, aren't you?” Bro asks out of nowhere, bringing Dave back to himself. 

“Yes.” he chokes out, knows he supposed to. 

It was  **_FINE_ ** if his brother wanted to grip his hair and bite at his lips, or even suck on his tongue. 

It was **_FINE_ ** if Bro wanted to feel him up, wanted to- to- 

Dave couldn’t do this right now. 

“Stop,” Tumbles from his mouth before he can stop it, and the look Bro sends his way sent chills up his spine. 

Bro didn’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENT PLS


End file.
